I’ve already heard it; nothing I haven’t heard before.

Convocation Drinking Game
4 syllable word (x2 if >4)
Awkward pause after a joke
{"freshman", "sophomore", "junior", "senior"}
“passion”
“experience”
Bad metaphor (x2 if simile)

1) Find them.
2) Give them a hug.
3) Leave without asking them any questions.

“Typing is not exactly the most warm and comforting thing, no matter how nice the words are.”

The secret to printing non-academic material in a school computer lab is to add to the top corner one’s name, the date, and Writing XXX1, and then add an appropriate title.

The trick, however, is finding a printer actually available.

No No Shame; shame.

“If silence is that important, then a suppressed magnum would work.”

“It’s Thursday night, she should be out on the scene…”

The best way to spend Valentine’s Night is running my tongue up and down a most delicious leg…

“…It’s not the money, it’s the recipes…”

…of lamb; and I could do this all night long.

“…One of these nights you might find someone to love…”

“I am a writer, writer of fictions…”

Final declarations.

I've been burning bridge after bridge because I'm in flames and I keep running back over every single one I have.

“Are you okay?”
“Shh. I’m feeling.”

“There is no significant correlation between being in love and being in a relationship.”

…I’m sorry. You’re not the love of my life.

This is probably the silliest reason to want a gf.

Normality, unlike Sunkist orange soda and sleep, is so overrated.

When I have questions about seducing a professor, I'll raise my hand.

“So my mother said, “Is he cute?”, “What school does he go to?”, and- brace yourself- “What are his prospects?””
You know, I only honestly know the answer to 1 of those.
“Funny thing: I don’t know the answer to any of them.”

"Is 'hate sex' hyphenated? <googling> No, not 'I hate sex'."

The worst thing one can do is indent with spaces.

I may miss you next year.
“May?”

Never has -5 felt so satisfying. There is a right way and a wrong way to take one for the team.

This is so teen girl sleepover.

Always guess biscuit.

[Chicago until late Saturday]

“Don’t tell grandma which button we pushed.”

This is what makes waking up at 3am and being an American worthwhile.

Voting, like sleeping, early and often.

[Any food brought to the Wydown Middle School polling station today would be most appreciated.]

The moral question that's bothering me is that I actually needed a new pair of iPod earphones, and the ones I received are in better condition that mine own.

Begging the question.

What truly fascinates me about this ethical question is that I believe that the situation changes completely if the Patriots beat the Giants.

“Mine immaculate dream…"
Lie in bed.
“…Signed, with a home…”
Chosen in absentia.
“…Happy birthday to you was created for you…”
Half and have not.
“…It'll take a little time/Might take a little crime…”
Playoff spot.
“…Words, playing me déjà vu…”
Asked and answered.
“…Chill, is it something real…“
Sick and tired.
“…Lost, in a snow filled sky…”
Here and back again.
“…Who do you need/Who do you love/When you come undone...”

Spot the subtext.

Something’s left unspoken, but it’ll be funny anyhow:
Brown 100, tonight 8pm, free improv, free hot chocolate.

(And by “hot chocolate”, I mean Barack Obama. And by “Barack Obama”, I mean, the Juggernaut.)

Using the equation (a+b^n)/n = x, Euler showed Diderot that this existed during a debate at the court of Catherine the Great. Arguing that whole numbers were the central foundation of mathematics, Kronecker claimed that the integers were the result of this. Pascal, using game theory, concluded that it is optimal to assume that this exists. FTP, what tautologically defines itself as being “I am what I am” in the book of Exodus?

I would provide a phenomenal rant to anyone interested in listening to me today, or tomorrow, or Saturday, or next Tuesday, or at this rate any time during the month of February; except that ironically, on top of everything else, my throat is dead.

STL: where the roads get salted when the temperature is 70F.

“So, is Brantley known for blatantly lying? I called him just before I called you and he said he would send them to me ‘shortly’.”
1) The obvious joke is that Brantley doesn't know the meaning of the word shortly.
2) I got mine in before Brantley?!
3) Brantley is known for blatantly being tardy.

I’m not impugning your honor, merely displaying my own wit.

“He always stood up for what was right, even if it was wrong.”
“He was a crotchety young guy.”