I would provide a phenomenal rant to anyone interested in listening to me today, or tomorrow, or Saturday, or next Tuesday, or at this rate any time during the month of February; except that ironically, on top of everything else, my throat is dead.

STL: where the roads get salted when the temperature is 70F.

“So, is Brantley known for blatantly lying? I called him just before I called you and he said he would send them to me ‘shortly’.”
1) The obvious joke is that Brantley doesn't know the meaning of the word shortly.
2) I got mine in before Brantley?!
3) Brantley is known for blatantly being tardy.

I’m not impugning your honor, merely displaying my own wit.

“He always stood up for what was right, even if it was wrong.”
“He was a crotchety young guy.”

Cold.

Total War: School’s Out Forever

B[] hasn’t turned his in yet. Therefore mine technically isn’t late yet.

There Will Be Blood isn’t as bad as a western should be, since overanalytically interpreting too obvious symbolism as allegory subverts it into another genre: a modern political epic. The Church of the Third Relevalation; H.W.; Daniel Day Lewis’s mustache; oil; the declarative title. It almost seems too easy an explanation.

Mourning becomes electronic.

“S[] B[] can't believe that Heath Ledger is dead.”
“H[] W[] Heath ledger :(.”
“C[] L[] C[] is sad that Heath Ledger died.”
“P[] O[] Heath Ledger is dead!”
“J[] G[] hopes people realize that the american dollar is almost worthless.”

Juno, even more than Knocked Up, takes what would be a dramatic situation and treats it comedically while maintaining a high level of seriousness and realism. The result is a consistent comedy, in which all major characters are gratuitiously human.

Curry favor.

Cloverfield, despite its genre, commits surprisingly absolutely to the fourth wall. It essentially becomes the opposite of Snakes on a Plane: while the latter is is hypercinematic, the former does nearly everything it can to deny being a film.

All by our onesies.

“Sausage is the finest form of pighood. A pig can’t realize that unless it’s a human being.”

5 types of pig in my refrigerator.

“One other thing- there are 2 different sets of silverware…”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.
“No- the thing is, use either for anything. I don’t keep kosher, it’s just my mother...”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.

“So this philosophy class has Aristotle, Locke, Machiavelli…”
That reminds me. I need to call B[] back.

Ultimately, everything has aesthetic value.

“Let me know if you have any luck solving the cluster problem.”
I suspect it may require a military solution.
“Of course! Clusters... or clusterbombs!”

Emergency maintenance.

“And what does this family’s personal tragedy have to do with why I write?”

Pathologica 2

“I write because if I didn’t, I’d be branded a pathological liar.”

“Ready to graduate?”
Ask me in 4 months.
“What are you doing after?”
Ask me in 5 months.

“This is the Colbert Report…”

Satire takes many forms, but absence is not one of them. Just because nothing was mocking does not mean nothing needed to be mocked.

“…And here it is, your moment of zen…”

Overbooking.

Procrastination shouldn’t be rushed.

It gives you a +1 bonus against any disarm attack made against your pants.

It has a hook.