Okcupid has too many boxes which I don’t fit into.
6/1/11
5/31/11
5/29/11
For the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to be associated by my religion, to the point of wishing disassociation, lest I be labeled as I wasn’t. But rather than a futile gesture of passive non-association that relegates the extremes to speak for the entirety, let me speak out with satire.
An SI win, and thereby I am funnier than a double-Pulitzer prize winning humor columnist.
An SI win, and thereby I am funnier than a double-Pulitzer prize winning humor columnist.
5/25/11
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake / I don’t love him / Winter just wasn’t my season…”
F:
+Rooftop porch
-El Proximity
“…We walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes / Like they have any right at all…”
M:
+Fireplace
-Character
“…Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while / But, my God, it's so beautiful…”
K:
+Lofty ambitions
-Leaky ceiling
“…'Cause you can't jump the track…”
I think I’m in love.
“…Breathe…”
F:
+Rooftop porch
-El Proximity
“…We walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes / Like they have any right at all…”
M:
+Fireplace
-Character
“…Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while / But, my God, it's so beautiful…”
K:
+Lofty ambitions
-Leaky ceiling
“…'Cause you can't jump the track…”
I think I’m in love.
“…Breathe…”
5/24/11
5/23/11
You know what’s funny?
Cellos.
True. You know what else’s funny?
Reading about cellos? Sorry. What is it?
Gone now.
Free Cello, worth every penny.
Cellos.
True. You know what else’s funny?
Reading about cellos? Sorry. What is it?
Gone now.
Free Cello, worth every penny.
5/22/11
5/21/11
5/20/11
5/19/11
5/18/11
5/16/11
5/15/11
5/14/11
Bridesmaids features the same flaw in protagonist and antagonist: the need for external control, with the inability to control internally. The matrimonial setting is appropriate for the discovery that one cannot address one’s own flaw by oneself.
5/13/11
5/12/11
5/11/11
5/10/11
Have you ever been trying to text a made up Greek word but your phone autocorrects it to sphygmomanometer?
Right when you called I was typing Jordan but got Korean and really wanted someone to share it with.
Can’t make this stuff up.
Right when you called I was typing Jordan but got Korean and really wanted someone to share it with.
Can’t make this stuff up.
5/9/11
Thor’s script lacks enough dialogue to go around the 3 actors in the astrophysics plotline, but in turn there’s really only enough script for 2 of the superheroic, mythological, and scientific plotlines. Perhaps appriopriate that it is my first 3D.
5/8/11
There is a mild sandwich crisis going on at coffeehouse: not enough counterspace for all of Jeff’s sandwiches.
“Who is Jeff and it seems like he knows how to eat!”
Jeff is a person who ordered a bunch of sandwiches at this coffeehouse but didn’t pick them up. He may not exist. Or he may represent our subconscious need for a spiritual guide figure. I expect a future conflict from prophets who reveal his true name is Geoff.
New Wave philosophy.
“Who is Jeff and it seems like he knows how to eat!”
Jeff is a person who ordered a bunch of sandwiches at this coffeehouse but didn’t pick them up. He may not exist. Or he may represent our subconscious need for a spiritual guide figure. I expect a future conflict from prophets who reveal his true name is Geoff.
New Wave philosophy.
5/7/11
“All wars are justified, in the end. because the winner says so.”
That's only for wars that have winners, though.
What’s the point of arguing.
“You and I both know nothing destroys the credibility of an ostensibly intelligent argument than unintelligent writing.”
That, and piranhas. Piranhas just devour credibility.
That's only for wars that have winners, though.
What’s the point of arguing.
“You and I both know nothing destroys the credibility of an ostensibly intelligent argument than unintelligent writing.”
That, and piranhas. Piranhas just devour credibility.
5/2/11
“Murder on the Orient Express” offers catharsis through fiction for the Lindbergh kidnapping, the Crime of Agatha Christie’s Century.
A different century, a different crime: I had drafted a narrative of an airplane passenger found dead, stabbed by a boxcutter, within a cabin of suspects as diverse as America: people with nothing in common except that they lived through 9/11.
To kill Osama bin Laden in fiction is the height of presumption; the explanation, “well, Agatha Christie did it” is no better. But now I have a third reason to rewrite.
A different century, a different crime: I had drafted a narrative of an airplane passenger found dead, stabbed by a boxcutter, within a cabin of suspects as diverse as America: people with nothing in common except that they lived through 9/11.
To kill Osama bin Laden in fiction is the height of presumption; the explanation, “well, Agatha Christie did it” is no better. But now I have a third reason to rewrite.
4/30/11
4/29/11
4/28/11
“Turtles seem to have two impulses only: 1) Eat and 2) Escape. This second urge is fierce; wherever they are placed somewhere, they instantly look for a way to leave that place and get somewhere else. That is what they do. That is pretty much all they do.”
The math works out.
“She backs away, turns around for a moment to consider the challenge: "Lessee, regroup. Okay, what are our assets? We are tough. We are determined. We are indestructible. A hypotenuse is always longer than the other two sides. Okay, we're going in."”
The math works out.
“She backs away, turns around for a moment to consider the challenge: "Lessee, regroup. Okay, what are our assets? We are tough. We are determined. We are indestructible. A hypotenuse is always longer than the other two sides. Okay, we're going in."”
4/27/11
Two missionaries are captured by a savage tribe, and brought before the chieftess…
As much because it requires an extremely specific humor familiarity, as because it is tasteless, I’ve been sitting on a punchline without a suitable audience to share with. But after months of waiting until a decent opportunity, let patience bring validation.
“Very good. You brought it home. Yes, funny.”
As much because it requires an extremely specific humor familiarity, as because it is tasteless, I’ve been sitting on a punchline without a suitable audience to share with. But after months of waiting until a decent opportunity, let patience bring validation.
“Very good. You brought it home. Yes, funny.”
4/24/11
4/23/11
Talk Like Someone Talking Like Shakespeare Day.
“You better talk in iambs all the time;
To talk in prose is copping out a bit.
I'm not suggesting ev'ry sentence rhyme,
Just get into the rhythm of that shit!
To say "forsooth" and "thee" and "thou" and "thine"
Takes little effort (where's the fun in that?)
This feast has so much more on which to dine!
So gorge yourself until your belly's fat.
But then, I might be taking this too far...
Most people can't distinguish verse from prose.
We'd wind up lonely losers in some bar
The laughingstock of groups of douche-y bros.
Besides, this sonnet's taking too much work;
I'm signing off before I go berserk.”
“You better talk in iambs all the time;
To talk in prose is copping out a bit.
I'm not suggesting ev'ry sentence rhyme,
Just get into the rhythm of that shit!
To say "forsooth" and "thee" and "thou" and "thine"
Takes little effort (where's the fun in that?)
This feast has so much more on which to dine!
So gorge yourself until your belly's fat.
But then, I might be taking this too far...
Most people can't distinguish verse from prose.
We'd wind up lonely losers in some bar
The laughingstock of groups of douche-y bros.
Besides, this sonnet's taking too much work;
I'm signing off before I go berserk.”
4/20/11
4/19/11
4/18/11
4/17/11
“If I were a professor, I would explain every concept with an analogy to professional hockey. I'd write a book called "Understanding Criminal Law in America Using a Canadian Sport".”
If I were a hockey coach, I would train my players by expounding on analogous case law.
The best defense is to not skate on thin ice.
If I were a hockey coach, I would train my players by expounding on analogous case law.
The best defense is to not skate on thin ice.
4/16/11
4/14/11
“Once upon a time there was light in my life…”
Absurdist composition mixed with depressed escapism mixed with lies told to the self, set against a backdrop of paranoia. The action splits between 3 spiraling plot threads, accelerating uncontrolled into a scripted singularity. “Heddatron” is just a play, but it knows it is just a play, and at the moment of self-awareness it awakens into something alive.
Saw, but need to return this weekend, so strong the desire to experience again.
“…Turn around, bright eyes…”
Absurdist composition mixed with depressed escapism mixed with lies told to the self, set against a backdrop of paranoia. The action splits between 3 spiraling plot threads, accelerating uncontrolled into a scripted singularity. “Heddatron” is just a play, but it knows it is just a play, and at the moment of self-awareness it awakens into something alive.
Saw, but need to return this weekend, so strong the desire to experience again.
“…Turn around, bright eyes…”
4/13/11
“Trying to keep you, trying to please you…”
The 90 second rule is equivalent to the 36 hour rule, both correlaries of the principle that 1 1/2 is long, enough.
(I hypothesize that there is something to the common factor 1 1/2. Perhaps as an approximation for an underlying mathematical constant of the golden mean, beyond and before which logic turns ugly.)
“…The change in my pocket wasn't enough…”
The 90 second rule is equivalent to the 36 hour rule, both correlaries of the principle that 1 1/2 is long, enough.
(I hypothesize that there is something to the common factor 1 1/2. Perhaps as an approximation for an underlying mathematical constant of the golden mean, beyond and before which logic turns ugly.)
“…The change in my pocket wasn't enough…”
4/12/11
4/11/11
4/10/11
4/9/11
4/7/11
4/6/11
I’ll get you a cupcake tomorrow.
“haha Thank you! I may not be there tomorrow. But you do not need to get me a cupcake either way.”
Oh. I’ll give it to the person of your choice then.
“Okay, whoever is sitting at the stool closest to the door is my person of choice.”
Have your cake and eat it, the classic loophole.
Also I need to go buy a cupcake but my phone has barely charged if I suddenly disappear for a bit.
“#whitepeopleproblems”
“haha Thank you! I may not be there tomorrow. But you do not need to get me a cupcake either way.”
Oh. I’ll give it to the person of your choice then.
“Okay, whoever is sitting at the stool closest to the door is my person of choice.”
Have your cake and eat it, the classic loophole.
Also I need to go buy a cupcake but my phone has barely charged if I suddenly disappear for a bit.
“#whitepeopleproblems”
4/5/11
4/4/11
The temptation of reading “Heart of a Dog” as purely post-Russian Revolution political allegory may have been stifled too far in the opposite direction, but the story does seem more about general human educational and cultural development, a hybrid of Frankenstein, Animal Farm, and My Fair Lady. Communism fails for equally reapportioning positives while leaving the negatives unbalanced, matching the dichotomy of Philip’s positive and Ivan’s negative reinforcement. Childrearing, petowning, and bondage are collectively satirized as losses of liberty: only the beast admires the leash, with the price of loyalty $1.40. Individually cannot be squelched by bookburning an offending tome after it has been read; ideas are destroyed only by removing the soul, which is glandular, developing with maturation. The narration switches from 1st person to 3rd, with Sharik going from being so sympathetic that the reader initially isn’t sure his species, to a frighteningly foreign and increasingly absent 3rd person. Beauty is pliability, even transspecies; the out of control familiar is monstrous.
And if your galoshes are stolen in Act 1, there will be a flood in Act 3.
And if your galoshes are stolen in Act 1, there will be a flood in Act 3.
4/2/11
4/1/11
3/31/11
3/30/11
I got so excited about the redvelvet I forgot to mention the clementines.
Fair enough.
It's just, I've had delicious clementines before. Cream cheese frosting is a much rarer beast.
That's exactly my problem with cream cheese frosting. It's become a very common beast.
I left out the word delicious in that sentence, I realize.
Cheese or font.
Fair enough.
It's just, I've had delicious clementines before. Cream cheese frosting is a much rarer beast.
That's exactly my problem with cream cheese frosting. It's become a very common beast.
I left out the word delicious in that sentence, I realize.
Cheese or font.
3/28/11
3/27/11
Singled (halved?) with a shared attribution. And since it’s been a while since an SI unjustly overlooked: Fire Leonardo DiCaprio, hire Sigmund Freud: Inception gets a NC-17 rating.
3/25/11
The Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, as given in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, is 42.
Stephen Fry, a good friend of Douglas Adams’s, claims the punchline is fascinating, extraordinary, and obvious when thought really hard about.
One day, having just finished writing a play with a hidden joke in base 13, walking down the street, I had a sudden deep thought.
Forty-two.
Tea for two.
The meaning of life is… tea for two.
Something Douglas Adams was passionate about.
Something computers in the book just can’t seem to make right.
Simple, brilliant, clever, fitting, funny, and probably true. It has to be.
“…Just tea for two / And two for tea…”
Stephen Fry, a good friend of Douglas Adams’s, claims the punchline is fascinating, extraordinary, and obvious when thought really hard about.
One day, having just finished writing a play with a hidden joke in base 13, walking down the street, I had a sudden deep thought.
Forty-two.
Tea for two.
The meaning of life is… tea for two.
Something Douglas Adams was passionate about.
Something computers in the book just can’t seem to make right.
Simple, brilliant, clever, fitting, funny, and probably true. It has to be.
“…Just tea for two / And two for tea…”
3/24/11
3/23/11
3/22/11
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU. Keep the channel open… No artist is pleased… There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
The author cares more about the words than the characters.
Quotes we wished we had last Thursday.
The author cares more about the words than the characters.
Quotes we wished we had last Thursday.
3/21/11
“Me: Green hoodie, blue plaid button-up, purple watch.
You: Kind of look like Academy Award nominee Kristin Scott Thomas?”
Missed connections.
“I’m At Starbucks Anemone.”
You: Kind of look like Academy Award nominee Kristin Scott Thomas?”
Missed connections.
“I’m At Starbucks Anemone.”
3/19/11
3/17/11
We are on an eternal seesaw. Whenever I feel balanced enough to let myself make plans and be happy, you're at your lowest. But we move, and the same ways.
I will buy a dogsitter and plane ticket for you if you need it. But more importantly, I won't think any differently of you if you don't take me up on the offer.
When I say I'm financially independent, it's because I disregard the future. I'm only temporarily. But that may not be a bad thing, in the end.
Chicago is too cold for you to live. But so is DC, just not that kind of cold.
Don't let other people's 2.5-to-3 pages or definitions of fairy tales get in the way of telling your story. It's your story. You're taking the class for you. Write the story that you wanted to write. Otherwise, what's the point. Besides, we've already made that mistake.
If you offered me to run away with you in 2.5-3 months and become a teacher, I'd probably go with. Not to run away though, but because you would be offering me something to run towards.
Going backwards is worse than going nowhere. But going nowhere is worse than going backwards. The secret is that going in circles is worse than both.
Realizing how lucky I am.
The girl sitting opposite me on the bus looks sad. Weary. I'm not telling her to cheer up, nor smile. Maybe I should. I'm not sure how to. Too late. We both disembarked in opposite directions. And I'm home.
I will buy a dogsitter and plane ticket for you if you need it. But more importantly, I won't think any differently of you if you don't take me up on the offer.
When I say I'm financially independent, it's because I disregard the future. I'm only temporarily. But that may not be a bad thing, in the end.
Chicago is too cold for you to live. But so is DC, just not that kind of cold.
Don't let other people's 2.5-to-3 pages or definitions of fairy tales get in the way of telling your story. It's your story. You're taking the class for you. Write the story that you wanted to write. Otherwise, what's the point. Besides, we've already made that mistake.
If you offered me to run away with you in 2.5-3 months and become a teacher, I'd probably go with. Not to run away though, but because you would be offering me something to run towards.
Going backwards is worse than going nowhere. But going nowhere is worse than going backwards. The secret is that going in circles is worse than both.
Realizing how lucky I am.
The girl sitting opposite me on the bus looks sad. Weary. I'm not telling her to cheer up, nor smile. Maybe I should. I'm not sure how to. Too late. We both disembarked in opposite directions. And I'm home.
3/16/11
3/15/11
3/14/11
3/12/11
3/11/11
3/10/11
3/9/11
3/8/11
3/6/11
3/5/11
I’m in an episode of Lost. I board the 423 bus. The woman in the seat in front of me has a few pages torn from a massmarket paperback she’s annotating. It’s weird so I take a closer look, but all I can see is that the top one is page 423. It’s 4:23pm. The bus is totally going to crash onto an island.
Flashback candidates.
It’s a Pace bus, too. Clever writers.
Flashback candidates.
It’s a Pace bus, too. Clever writers.
3/2/11
2/28/11
2/27/11
Hamletmachine fractures a story into its most haunting aspects. The tragedy is madness.
“I was Hamlet: I stood on the coast and spoke with the surf, at my back the ruins of Europe…”
“I was Hamlet: I stood on the coast and spoke with the surf, at my back the ruins of Europe…”
2/26/11
2/25/11
2/21/11
The Eagle is what it is: a mediocre Roman epic movie. The are no characters, no themes, no plot, merely geographic and historical setting; but the film makes no pretenses that it intends any other delivery.
2/20/11
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