Tax e-service.

It’s a cross between Labor Day and Christmas.

Cereal Mexican Schnucks visual zeugma.

[I think I may like, almost as much as what this identifies, how 5 seemingly unrelated bizarrely random words indeed does identify something.]

Birthday wall posters are an interestingly accurate subsection.

“I want to run / I want to hide…”

Instructing someone to meet at the walnut tree, becomes at the street of the Walnut, becomes on Walnut Street. But then the entire process evolves: the location becomes the famous person who was once there, becomes some person who gave money, becomes some guy to be honored for some unrelated reason. Names beget names. Numbers become cardinal, not ordinal. Words are chosen out of Scottish mists, just as forgotten.

“…Where the streets have no name…”

My 8 year old heart wanted an elephant. It still does. And still might be 8 years old.
The elephant? It grew along with you?
hm I wonder if the elephant is still 8 years old, or whether it’s… <doing math> Oh, this is embarrassing. I'm trying to figure out how old an 8 year old elephant when I was 8 years old would be today. And then I realized, after trying to do some math, it would be my age. And then I still didn't know how old that was.

Regenerate: the older and younger I get, the younger and older I become.

“Will you be my Facebook boyfriend? Sent from my iPhone.”
You have an iPhone? And by ‘You’ I mean ‘Your brother’. And by ‘have’ I mean ‘has’. And by ‘an’ I mean ‘your’. And by ‘?’ I mean ‘.’.

The trip was made in the first 2 hours, with frogwalking.

We’ve made the life of frog one step better.
…One giant leap for frogkind?

Fresh seafood and good cards. The only thing missing is a laundry-folding/Dr. Horrible-watching party.

2 roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I wonder why I say they don’t converge.

We should hang out soon.

We should hang out soon.

“The hot summer night fell like a net / I've got to find…”

I’d been unsuccessfully wanting to rewatch this for over 10 years, the initial burst that surged forth into fandom that ebbed into nostalgic despair about how it used to be.

“…I've got it bad, and I've got it good…”

A well written TV show is like life.
Life is like a badly written TV show.

It’s the way it should be.

“…Doctor, doctor, give me the news / I’ve got a bad case of loving you…”

I’m not surprised that they didn’t learn anything from the impromptu Chinese carry-out picnic.
I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t even learn that it’s okay to take carry-out to a picnic.

Don't even ask about the tuna night.
That's not fair.
Thank you. That conclusion is never reached on one's own here.
How can you allude to something called the tuna night and say I can't ask about it?

Renegade

I instinctively reject the expression cornball, only because I hear it a noun, not an adjective; the expression corny is used instead for that purpose. Yet on exploration, it appears that the y and ball phonemes may be equivalent: why not basey, footy, or rugball?

I think I draw the line at Danball.

“IMPORTANT NOTICE REGARDING YOUR LSAC ACCOUNT:
Starting in 2010, the US Department of Education will be requiring significant changes in the way educational institutions collect and report race/ethnicity data. Accordingly, on July 19, 2009, LSAC changed the race/ethnicity designation in your LSAC account. Your previously reported ethnicity, Caucasian/White, has been changed to the subcategory Other Caucasian/White under the category Caucasian/White. Please log in to your LSAC account to view/update your race/ethnicity designation. Additional categories have been added, and you may select multiple categories.”

A matter of importance.

I believe an error has been made. Depsite reading this notice several times, I cannot find anything which comes close to being important.

Honorary engineer.

“You belong to the gang / And you say you can't break away / But I'm here…”

This is an allegory, but I really wish it were a song lyric.

There is a country where the people are starving and miserable. They dream of emigration and refuge. An adviser goes to inform the government of the people's misery and flight, but the goverment will only repeat, "Not so! We really love the people, and we do everything for their best! You may spin it your way, but in fact the country thrives.".

The meats and cheeses I had gotten used to were not in the same places, this place I had gotten used to had changed. And yet...

Thinking back on it now, it does feel a little surreal.

Tonight, taking cat litter out to the dumpster behind my apartment, I pass by 2 people, late-20s neighbors who I'd never met before, who are sprawled out on blankets in the backyard. And by way of unnecessary apology for invading my lawn, they invite me to join them, for they are about to start playing Clue. And with another joining us, the 4 of us play until midnight.

I feel so disillusioned. It’s because we never had the there’s no Santa Claus moment.

Ironic twist.

So what is it?
It’s a you’re weak, get over it.

And that’s the way it was.

Let’s see how this goes.

You got it wrong: "That author uses 'mistake' in line 4."
You mean: "That author uses 'mistake' in line 4 of this Away Message."

“Did you know when you go…”

Mistakes were made.

That should totally be a literary device, the mistake: That author made a mistake in line 4.

According to google, I invented artichoke lo mein.

Alae Desidiosae Dannii.

Key to snarky commentary
*[My oven is really weak]*
**[Optional steps for the lazy-impaired]**
I may translate this into Latin at some point.

Hi, my name is 5:55, but my friends call me 6.

About time.

Catalog Theory
If it’s the first thing one says but part of nothing after that, the opposite is meant.

It’s like looking at a Monet in grayscale.

“Goes cruising just as fast as she can now…”

Life is like playing whack-a-mole, with pesky issues popping up, needing to be beaten down, but too fast and too spread out to all be covered without being overwhelmed.

“…But you can come along with me / ‘Cause we got a lot of things to do now…”

Whack-a-mole is a game.
I’m going to have fun.

“…Fun, fun, fun / ‘Til her daddy takes the T-Bird away…”

While I seemed to have missed out on celebrating National Why Is 6 Afraid of 7 Day, at least I’ll be able to celebrate International Why Is 6 Afraid of 7 Day in just under a month.

I feel naked without a watch.

Inhibition.

I suppose it could be a wedge from a rice krispie treat wheel, but that still begs the question.

As much as I love being bribed with food, even doorstop/rice krispie treats, it feels jarring to have the traditional restaurant business model warped by giving people free food to leave, even though there’s nothing fallacious given the double negation.

“They get along much better now that she’s her ex-mother-in-law.”

“You’re really brilliant. But you’re always going to have the problem of people not getting you.”

I hate irrevocability.

Our wall-to-wall, it does not do us justice.

There’s nothing more disappointing than a disappointing smoothie.

Sitch: L[]’s rambling
(   ) Watch YouTube clips that L[]’s rambling about
(   ) Watch the Fountain
(   ) Jump in the fountain

It’s hard to walk down a road when one starts realizing what lies parallel.

To the worm, the crow is so considerate to announce its hostile intention rather than cawlessly killing.

Not only do we not speak crow, we don’t speak worm.

“I know this room / I've walked this floor…”

Recognition.

“…I did my best / It wasn't much…”

There is a danger in superlativity becoming so accustomed that it is mistaken for ordinary.

“…I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch…”

Apologies are used as much for what couldn’t happen as for what wasn’t done.

“…I've told the truth / I didn't come…”

Praised be.

“…Hallelujah…”

“Still we're often told, seek and ye shall find…”

I need to run something by someone before I do something. And you’re my someone.

“…Someone to watch over me…”

“I could have spread my wings…”

Tastes like chicken.

“…A thousand things / I’ve never done before…”

Day 40
Michael Jackson dies.
Farrah Fawcett dies.
Mouse dies.

3’s company.

Current standings
1) Fish
2) Cat
3) Human

A wise woman once said, friendships have a lifespan.

I’ll take my free pen now.

“The rush of being home in rapid fading…”

The caveman, first discovering the adjective, realized that instead of saying “Sky bluething.” or “Man tallthing.”, they could say “Sky blue.” and “Man tall.”.

“…Waiting for the light to come back, / But hid in talk I knew…”

Imagine their wonder when they discovered verbs.

“…A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles…”

“I saw the sign…”

I may have inadvertently hastened the resolution of the Iranian Electoral Crisis.

Signed,
Sign

“Startin’ with some laughs / Usually endin’ in a fight…”

Ludi.

“…Teachers ask questions / She makin’ up excuses…”

Ludi.

“…Livin’ for today and not tomorrow’s satisfaction…”

Ludicrous.

Out of gas.

11 quarters and no more.

Sorry, I’m on a bus.
“I just almost got run over by a bus.”
I hope it’s not the same bus. That would be awfully ironic.
“Mine was in Chicago.”
Inconveniently, the Green Line doesn’t go to Chicago. At least, not that I know of.

1) New Zealand... interesting...
2) Lying contest! omgwant
3) ...in Montana? boo bait-and-switch what happened to NZ?
4) ...at a folk festival in Montana? ughwhy
5) ew I'm actually visiting that link. It has music. I can't find the mute button makeitstop
6) Wait a second... there's no lying festival here...
7) ...nor or the AP website...
8) Wow. That's brilliant. Win.

Good prose is poetry.
Free verse is prose.

Can God create a rock so big he can’t cover it with paper?

“Based on my recollection of my Bible study (and my own personal inclinations), I probably would have agreed with you as a Christian.”
I'll have to tell my rabbi I got a convert.

“See how they smile / Like pigs in a sty…”

It’s the little things in life which make one :)

“…I am the (:3= / Goo goo g’joob…”

Day 23
Cat is acrophobic.
Mouse self-mutilates.
Fish has delusions of grandeur.

Insanity is relative.

Current standings
1) Human
2) Fish
3) Cat
4) Mouse

Whenever life closes a door, God opens a window and Satan leaves the AC running.

Waiter, can I please speak to the manager? These dishes are very confusing.
I'm sorry, we only have there's a fly in your soup.

“Family’s not going to like…”
I am a parent/I have a child
*I am a child/*I have a parent
“…But no one’s keeping score…”
I learned at a young age that if I didn’t lie, they’d take away my fun and games.
“…Don’t think I’ll tell you ‘bout the secret to victory…”
Communication must to better understand others, not to understand how to better get others to understand you.
“…Everyone should know more…”
I won’t translate. If they need me, they know how to reach me.
”…C4 in my pocket…”
My elbow awaits you.

“A sound like a tiger thrashing in the water…”

Ambition takes time.

“…It feels like a hundred years…”

I'll get back to you as soon as I don't have work or insomnia or a stomachache.

Richard 3. And yes, and yes.
Okay those yeses could correspond to anything, but okay, lol.
lol Pick your favorite 2.

Elephailure.

I'm disappointed in myself it took so long.

A[] was high-energy fretting about something at work, albeit harmlessly. I was like, it's okay, don't worry about it. She was like, no, I need to do this. I was like, okay, you can worry about it. She actually got it. I was impressed.

Reappraise the situation: past, future, present.

I think the teacher I used to want to be is my isolated soulmate.
No, no. It's not.
It scares me.
Worry not.
Oh, okay. It doesn't scare me.
<smiles>

I need to do laundry, so I won’t.

Sorry- and this is the least good excuse ever- I decided to cut off the legs of a pair of pants.
Are you kidding? That's an awesome excuse.
I just saw myself as like Van Gogh, artist who has to cut off his own ear. only one day got up, saw it was raining, didn't want to get pants wet, and after struggling with wardrobe for forty minutes, cut off the legs of her pants.

“I told R[] the truth.”
What was the occasion, or, it’s Wednesday?
“It’s Wednesday.”

“Who’s M[]?”
James Bond[]’s boss.

Preserving identification and anonymity is a delicate balance between generality and specificity. What does not depend on the individual can be abstracted to a generic first, second, and third persons. Those who heard can listen to the shoutout; the rest will substutite curiosity for vanity.

I’m pro-asking.
It’s like pro-choice.

If you ever need to show up on my doorstep, you don't even need to ask.

“Was it you I got into a discussion about Mounds/Almond Joy ads with?”
Maybe?
“And I didn't believe you that there was a part after the “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't” bit. And you said there was.”
And I wikied it to proved you wrong?
“And I didn't believe you?”
Yes.
“So I just youtubed an ad. Congratulations, you were right. But it sounds ridiculous. “Mounds don't.” What kind of lyric is that?”
Spondaic.
“Oh, also, because my brother is having an existential crisis: Care to explain the difference between Michael Jackson and Keira Knightley? Apparently N[] can't figure it out.”
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.

Stressed stressed / long long

“Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place / You could tell how we felt…”

Seeing people who you’ve just seen, haven’t seen in too long, and just met.
Playing games you play well, are out of practice of, and just learned.
Doing what you always do, used to do, and then something completely new.

“…We were spinning in circles…”

There’s a critical difference between having too much to do and having not the time to do it.

“…We forgot where we were, and we lost track of time…”

What happened last night?
Morning began.

“…And we danced on into the night…”

Needs more ‘l’.

That’s really soid.

Start & Steak & Shake & Stop

Day 8
Human gets fresh scones
Mouse gets fresh bedding
Fish gets fresh bowl
Cat gets fresh litter
Cat tries to eat Mouse, but fails
Mouse tries to eat Mouse, but fails
Fish tries to take over world, but fails
Human enjoys long weekend

The sky is Calypso-colored.
(I just needed to tell someone.)

Current standings
1) Human
2) Cat
3) Fish
4) Mouse

Once upon a time it was known that everything was knowable. Understanding was a matter of time, and time was infinite. Once upon a time everything was known, except the future. And then one day it changed. You are not unique. You are not special. The brilliances that wove themselves into tapestries have become tattered and incomplete rags; the sun that rose to illuminate the multitude of shadow hits zenith at noon. And it is then that you realize what and how mothers of fathers and fathers of mothers have known and forgotten for ages and ages.

One day, you too will fade.

omgscones

“Here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.”

Sometimes fewer antics are needed.

“Is she dating G[]? Because, trust me, that would be a bad idea.”
<realizes the implications of what was just said>
“No, it's just, one time we were both drunk...”
<realizes the implications of what was just said>
Just stop right now. This story's not going to get better.

Inept.

“<looks over> Google it.”

“Please me / Please me / Stop at the store…”

And as I'm waiting there, I realize that I'd really like to make enchiladas. So I ditch her and do so.

“…Call me, text me, answer the phone / And make it…”

A bin of toothpaste boxes sat halfway down the candy aisle, like a postsecret whose caption would read, “I realize I don’t belong here. / (But then I wonder that maybe it’s here which doesn’t belong.)”

“…Shut up…”

“Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch “Flipper” over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.”

Epic epic movie watching.

“Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of “The Faculty.” Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.”

Day 1
Human gets Fish
Human gets Mouse
Fish notices Cat
Cat notices Mouse
Cat tries to get Mouse
Cat falls down
Cat throws up
Human cleans up

In a previous Away Message I realized that I needed to have taken more classes with L[].
I didn’t realize that L[] also needed to have taken more classes with me.

Current standings
1) Fish
2) Mouse
3) Human
4) Cat

Cleaning things up.

LittleD[]’s little sister has assignment for BigD[] filed under things D[] wants to do but needs nudging from LittleL[]: buy a mango or avocado, enjoy.
BigL[]’s big brother was going to give some graduatorial words of wisdom to Big and LittleL[]s, but didn’t get time, but he realizes they don’t need it.
Big and LittleL[]s are smiling, bigly and littlely.

Say the things you want me to say yourself.

A shot across the Beau.

“What was that?”
“Challenge to a shotgun.”
“Ah. <pause> Is that that important?”
“Yes.”

Lindell : Forest Park Parkway :: PeopleMover : Space Mountain

“College teaches you how to show why given things are true, but not how to show that things are true, or come up with new true things.”

“The countdown starts…”

Corollary Theorem
Everyone should have 2 rules for life.

“…4, 3, 2, 1…”

“Did you mean: List of fictional monkeys”

I feel like something is wrong with the Internet when something cannot be found with it.

“To days of inspiration / Playing hooky, making something out of nothing / The need to express / To communicate / To going against the grain / Going insane / Going mad / To loving…”

There’s something about open gates.

“…Sisters? / We’re close / Brothers!…”

We are the most awesome people ever.

“…In honor of the death of Bohemia an impromptu salon will commence immediately…”

Sometimes, following a difficult decision between 2 desired options, there’s a feeling of regret or relief that signals too unambiguously which was right and which was wrong.

“…La vie boheme…”

The cuter the crying organ, the greater the pain.

Quarters.

Woke up at 3am
Water switched off
My happy team on Cash Cab got the double-or-nothing question wrong.

This is not going to be a good day.

This is worse than Vaughn.

Getting to the meat of the matter.

This kind of investigative reporting actually restores my faith in journalism a little.

“I did that not too long ago by immediately playing MOTION as soon as I found it on my rack without realizing my seventh tile was an E.”
PIC FAIL

Customer Appreciation Day -> Employee Appreciation Day

I want to be able eat pizza without it being a political statement.

I hesitate to long
To move along
From where I am but don’t belong
To where I wait too long.

The dandelion exists to be puffed away by the idle child. A species’s reproduction enables another’s.

“You see her / You can’t touch her…”

I fought this fight for over 5 years.

“…Never / Come back here again…”

”Inside this box is a vial of either a deadly poison or a vital antidote.”
Schrödinger’s deathtrap: you are simultaneously alive and dead.

A younger, squasheder-headed Calypso.

Scientology is as valid a religion as Neoplatonism and as valid a philosophy as psychotherapy.

It’s either allergies or swine flu.

One shouldn’t need to convince oneself that the correct answer is to spend a gorgeous afternoon lying in the park. For nature isn’t a jerk, passive-aggressively blaming others for its own failings.

On a scale of 1-10, with

1 = I hope you have an excuse for not seeing this so I can stab you and steal your excuse to get out of attending;
2 = I've seen better performances put on by KARL and MPR;
3 = it might be a decent play but it stands for everything you loathe;
4 = flip a coin;
5 = if you can get in for free (and I know you can), go for it;
6 = yeah, it's worth seeing;
7 = yeah, it's worth seeing and I'm not just saying that because the PAD has a gun to my head and is telling me to tell all my friends or they'll shoot please tell my sister I love her;
8 = I feel your aura would appreciate it
9 = seriously, see it, and talk others into going;
10 = I will hunt you down and kill you if you do not attend;

where does Mother Courage fall?

Partial attendance counts.

For such a small person, you cast a huge shadow.

Oppression is a plague, but you take it out of your own cup.

I don't need friends to do the job of enemies for me.