Comedic drama has many words to describe its various forms: farce, parody, sketch, etc. But there is no variety to identify a nuance of tragedy, no diminutive term to denote a slight one. Therefore, if one comes across what might be a little bit of such, it is best to not stare too closely, to circle around warily, to signal an assassin, and- like the Cardinals defeating the Astros 3-2 in unfortunately just over 2 hours- to overcome it swiftly, decisively, and victoriously.

I was intending to commit mail fraud, but it turns out I was stealing something intended for me, which, having the wrong name and address, got misdelivered.

The reason to have someone exist is so that I can IM them to say, Be more like me!

Pending.

[Bowling tonight?]

“Now is the winter of our discontent…”

Fires left burning, parties thrown yesteryear echoing out open lit windows, links to laughter heard once somewhere. Romanticized nostalgia, nostalgic romance. History, a vehicle in motion, in Park.

Day for Memorials, and I have so many here.

“…Made glorious summer…”

Old is new again.

[If anyone is seeing Indiana Jones 4, let me know.]

Maybe it’s because college is over, it’s not so hard any more.
Thai pizza has finally been eaten.

That's the worst kind of illogic. And I don't always disapprove of illogic.

I hate guessing what something might be; I’d rather guess what it mightn't.

I am using a lot of double+ negatives tonight.

“We were having a conversation about boobs, and you perk up at “peeing on my feet”.”
“I have a funny story about that! So, we were at the Olive Garden…”

The problem with cleaning things up is that they just get dirty again.
This is not a problem.

“Orange nipples do not help you escape predators.”

Well I Guess That's All Over With Now

[Tonight, 6pm, 6611 Wash Ave. Apt. 1S. If you’re in STL, show up. Cell if questions. There will be food; I’m thinking gnocchi?]

No baggage.

“Let’s play pretend / Let's act like it comes naturally…”

Well, that’s all over with.

“…Let’s go back to that…”

Okay, now what.

“…I’ll be so much better…”

“Universitas Washingtoniana
Sancti Ludovici
in Civitate Missouriensi
salutem omnibus has litteras lecturis quibus nos infrascripti,
morem exemplumque maiorum secuti
cum doctrinam adeptos tum ipsam doctrinam in comitiis sollemnibus honore augendi,
testamur nos ornavisse…”

[profile temporarily utilized for space]

“…perfectis omnibus quae requiruntur probataque eruditione laudabili,
gradu atque titulo
Artium Baccalaurei
universali cum honore
eique concessisse omnia iura privilegia beneficia huic gradu pertinentia,
in cuius rei testimonio nos pro auctoritate nobis commissa hisce litteris Universitatis sigillo munitis
subscripsimus nomina nostra die XVI mensis Maii anno MMVIII.”

“I am done with college.”
I like to think of it as college is done with me.

Full circle.

Last meal
Pasta e fagioli
Gnocchi in tomato cream sauce
Leg of lamb
Softshell crab
Ricotta cheesecake

I was mingling to pick up an extra dessert and to help convince C[] to go over to the Chancellor’s table and tell him what he thought of the whole Phyllis Schlafly thing. He did…
“Excellent.”
…And I got a second cheesecake.

Ent : not tree :: shepherd : not sheep

This is the type of thing I’m going to miss.

Keep moving.

Bravman’s Razor
All other things being equal, the most complicated solution is best.

I would be more successful if I were having less fun.

I’m not sure which is more wrong: the statement or the definition of successful. At least I know for sure I've gotten something out of college.

1) You're hungry. 2) You're craving a specific food. This isn't a hard one.
“But you're forgetting 3) I'm lazy.”
Okay, I forgive you. Also, this might become an Away Message soon.
“Well make sure to edit it suck that I have proper grammar. Um. Such. Not suck.”
That also might become an Away Message soon.
“I thought you might say that.”
I'll take an easy one.

This might become easy soon.

“I am going to go buy good. Er, food.”
Good for you. Er, food for you.

Epic conclusion

"SUSPICIOUSLY SHAMEFUL"
or
"WHISTLING DIXIE"
a two-act play in one act
adapted for the stage by
DANNY BRAVMAN
for
NO SHAME THEATRE
at
WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY
in
SAINT LOUIS
on
MAY 7, 2008
starring
FIVE GUYS
FIVE GIRLS
and
SATHYA SRIDHARAN

“He speaks in riddles… I do not comprehend!”

“I don’t care if…”

Calendar Quiz

“1. What happened in Philadelphia and London on Tuesday, September 8, 1752?
2. What month did the October Revolution occur in?
3. Why are July and August the same length?
4. You there! What day is this?!”

What the dickens.

The only one of these I had to look up was 4. Tuesday. May 6. I'm not even sure that's right.
“The correct response is "Why today sir? It's Christmas day!"”

what time is it in bloomington
no really.what time is it

“…Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too…”

“Monday morning, hesitate / I can’t get out of bed…”

Jello Theory
You want Jello.
But it takes overnight to set, and you won’t want it in the morning.
And for this reasoning you didn’t make Jello last night.
Therefore, make it tonight, so that when the same thing happens tomorrow night, you won’t not have made it.

“…A box of memories lying…”

It’s never too late for the Jello Theory.

“…It’s too late / to let all your feelings show…”

It’s never too late for Jello.

“…Running out of time tonight…”

It’s never too late.

“…It’s too late…”

Do not watch Lost while feverish.

I got this crazy idea that Matthew Fox was actually Sawyer and Josh Holloway was actually Jack. No, really. Hear me out.

Check plus, mate in, 3.
I need to have taken more classes with Laura Castanon.

“There are spacegoats in my paper.”

Too many pages.

The worst thing about a Chipotle opening a block away is having its Free Burrito Day occurring during Passover.

“In the end…”

Whenever someone says that they are unfamiliar with a given plot, I immediately instinctively inform them that the relevant character dies in the end. (With some obvious exceptions, eg: Memento “they die in the beginning”; Titanic “it sinks”) Mostly this preemptively guards against any accidental blurting of a spoiler I might make. However, it is also remarkable how often it happens to be either true or interesting.

Tonight things end.

“…What it meant to me will eventually be a memory…”

Where the WILD things are.
(Last class -> first WILD, by way of once per semester frisbee.)

“Everybody has to be someplace.”

In a Philadelphia in “The Philadelphia” in Olin 2 at 2pm.

“Everyone like the scene?”
No. Can we do a different one?

Feasting on lambrosia.

(Cena Deorum)

“I woke up with a feeling that something bad was going to happen. Are things good where you are?”

It’s easy to miss something you’re not looking for.

DreamR[] is a very bad driver.
"RealLifeR[] is probably a worse driver."

The advantage of procrastinating cleaning one’s kitchen is that instead of with a pun comparing it to the Iraq War, one can accurately compare it to an earthquake disaster zone.

Inconsistent.

The afikomen could be hidden inside a turducken to ensure that, by the time dinner is finished, the meal is.

"The man is pointing his remote at the tent wall."
It's a rerun.

Most Mysterious Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle

"She's serving chopped up scraps of the tent."
They're leftovers.

Thank you very much; were Suspicious of Whistlers!

That's more than 1 word.

Show up for free food:
Final improv performance, tonight, 8pm, LabSci 300, free.

(Ends the same way it began.)

If I get a koi pond, it will be stocked with 500-pound salmon.

“No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women…”

Just what the Dr ordered.

“…No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark…”

This might be me.

It’s probably for the best that I decided not to use my carefully orchestrated Hugh Laurie-should-play-Cicero tangent.

If I seem incoherent, I am.

But who shall construct an elaborate deathtrap for the constructors of elaborate deathtraps?

Someone’s got to do it.

Nevermind, I think I've answered my own question.
“That’s a problem is search of a solution.”
It’s a solution in search of a problem.

What would happen to the promo CD if its owner were to die, if disposing of promo CDs is illegal?
Therefore, promo CDs cause immortality.

Why reductio ad absurdum, when I can live with it?

I vote not making decisions.

“Caesar can give you money and honor, but he can't make you an orator.”

Will have to wait for Cicero.

Starting a Tuesday at 12:05am really sets the tone for the rest of the day.

“…And we're gonna play it…”

“How was?”
I’ve had better; I’ve had worse.
“That describes all but 2.”

Should fall somewhere.

Somehow it has taken me over 95% of my college life to deliver extra large raw shrimp ordered to the library to be paid for by check or cash. And doing it feels somewhat normal.

Places spin around, people are thrown together. Clocks reset, times fly, hands spread, backs flip. Cards are dealt and on the table. Words rush out, incomprehensible symbols, lines etched in your memory that you’ve never heard before or since. Spread the poison around. The name sounds familiar; it’s like your own only you forgot it. The end is an echo of the beginning, and both are fast approaching from either side. Late to bed, early to rise: nothing to do but dance the night away with friends. There is a plan: there is no plan.

Through a haze of impossible madness a rhythm emerges.

“…Can’t stop raving / I can’t stop raving / I can’t…”

General excel strategy: vigorous rightclicking.

10-30 Rule
f(t) is constant for 10 < t < 30, where f(x) = the consequence of being x minutes late.

Tolkien : history :: Eco : semiotics

He’s the most A[]-like person I know who isn’t A[].
“But didn’t A[]…?”
Well, yes. But A[] is better at being A[] than G[] is.

One of these days I’ll remember why I’m bothering.

The kid has so little subtlety, he actually thinks he's subtle.

Not proud of this one.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple… you're two tents."

“We welcome your submission and thank you for liking it.”

Libellous.

The basic metrical unit of sketchiness is the peter. However, for everyday purposes, one will be using smaller amounts, such as the millipeter or the centipeter.

“As you set out for Ithaka…”

You set out not for adventure; you had the adventure already; it was called the “Iliad”, and it was 10 years, and is more adventure than most will get ever. Your soul must have Laestrygonians and Cyclops so that when you finally go you can lie about who you are and where you’ve been and what took you so long; wild Poseidon must be invented so that the Muse has some wrath to sing of to justify your absence, dallying in wealth instead of hurrying to an Ithaca now as empty as the experiences you claim you had. Drop your burdening oar when it is finally unrecognized: no one understands except you, and you’re done.

“Odyssey” isn’t the story of a journey. “Odyssey” is the story of Odysseus, and Odysseus is a liar.

“Lumen qui ferimus.
Animos tibi damus.
Antiquum tuum tibi placet.
Hoc spes nostra docet.
Spectant te iuvenes.
O lumen semper des.
Fidem servabimus tibi…”

Eta Sigma Phi

“Is my cheeseburger causing global warming?”

Take another look: paper, papers, act, acts.

Come for the grammar, stay for the ridicule.

“Why would she do that?”
Pleasure; I’m assuming it wasn’t procreative.

There will be Vader.

“I’m finished.”

Every Friday is Good Friday at Fuddruckers. Especially with a beef taco salad and a vanilla shake.

(Suspicious of Whistlers, Presented by Fuddruckers, 8pm tonight, Gargoyle, free improv.)

This year I gave up giving things up for Lent for Lent.

1) The Orbit Gum Girl has a British accent
2) Keira Knightly has a British accent.
3) Keira Knightly is a 34B.
4) A[] is a 34B.
5) I dated A[].
Therefore: I have dated the Orbit Gum Girl QED
"You'd need less deduction if I were blonde."

Illogic is more powerful than logic; it does everything logic can do (for what is more illogical than illogic using logic?) as well as everything logic can’t do.

“But your illogic fails: Keira Knightley is *not* a 34B. She is definitely an A or AA. And I’m currently an 80E."

“I want you to marry me, baby.”
“That's the wrong hand and you have to ask me first.”

Fortuitously paraded, bacchanalianly green.

Unceremoniously empty, consistently preserved.

Prophetically calamitous, betrayingly undeparted.

Constantly irrational, infinitely long.

Having never before been, although from lack of necessity rather than any political point, I, relenting to someone craving a particular flavor of B&J despite every grocery store in the area either not open at 2am or inexplicably unavailable, entered Wal-mart. Even to a sellout, the aura of depression there was undeniable. If I didn’t badly need a toothbrush, I might have resisted the miserable apathy to leave myself the loophole of still at least being able to claim that I’d never bought anything there. Although, for the sheer stupidity of looking for Ben & Jerry’s in a Wal-mart, such shame is fully deserved.

The funny thing is that a third of these adaptations actually seem like they could be worth seeing.

[Precisely which 10/30 is left as an exercise for the reader.]

Figuring out precisely how much sleep is being gotten over break is hard enough without random acts of daylight savings.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Rodent.

I should probably know what gender they are, so that when I buy a replacement after accidentally killing one you don’t figure it out in 3 weeks.

Best live and with people.

Some days all one can do is laugh.
Some days all one should do is laugh.

M[] told me to tell you that you don’t need to worry about it.
“So you were able to reach someone?”
Oh, not at all. You just don’t need to worry about it.

Molecular Theorem
If there is an easy way and a hard way to do something, the easy way won’t work.

Molecular Corollary
The hard way’s not so bad.

Lions are cats.

“Can't you feel the poison rising out of the morning…”

I hate how on a beautiful day not only do I have work, but I don't even have the option anymore of doing it outside.
I also hate how the premidterm productivity I had been engaged in this weekend has been nullified.
I finally hate how the headache for the minor cold which I hadn’t been able to shake is now much worse.

“…Stay inside tonight…”

"It's European History, but with a thesaurus."

Travel the world and the 7th Sea.

“You can spend 5 points for Faith in God. But no one knows what it does.”

C > 1: What if there were an anthropomorphic cat?
C = 1: Now what if it were just a normal cat?
C < 1: Now what if the cat didn't exist?

“I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known…”
Lonely/Alone
“…My shallow heart’s the only thing…”
Trying not to be self-important.
“…Read between the lines…”
Symmetrically transcendental.
“…Where the city sleeps…”
Rest, lest be sick again.
“…Check my vital signs…”
Alone/Lonely
“…'Til then I walk alone…”

The ironic thing about “American Gladiators” is how scripted a show airing because of the Writers Strike is.

Somehow it has taken me almost 95% of my college life to order a pizza delivered to the library to be eaten with friends while doing a problem set. And doing it feels so right.

“C is for cookie…”

Caramel deLites? Sorry, American Samoas are good enough for me.

“…Who cares about the other things…”

You’re going to the Gonzales thing? Can you ask him a question for me:
So, let’s say you meet a cute girl one night at a bar, and you seem to hit it off, and she gives you her number. You call her back a few days later, but she says something evasive and makes an excuse to hang up. You decide to try again another night, but this time she gives an even lamer excuse. From then on, do you try to reach her one final time, or do you just not re-call?
If you do, I’ll forgive you for never talking to me again for suggesting this.

Going the distance. In NC for an improv festival until Sunday.

“That was a long way to go to set up a bad pun.”
Oh, yes. You might even say it was torturous.

I’ve already heard it; nothing I haven’t heard before.

Convocation Drinking Game
4 syllable word (x2 if >4)
Awkward pause after a joke
{"freshman", "sophomore", "junior", "senior"}
“passion”
“experience”
Bad metaphor (x2 if simile)

1) Find them.
2) Give them a hug.
3) Leave without asking them any questions.

“Typing is not exactly the most warm and comforting thing, no matter how nice the words are.”

The secret to printing non-academic material in a school computer lab is to add to the top corner one’s name, the date, and Writing XXX1, and then add an appropriate title.

The trick, however, is finding a printer actually available.

No No Shame; shame.

“If silence is that important, then a suppressed magnum would work.”

“It’s Thursday night, she should be out on the scene…”

The best way to spend Valentine’s Night is running my tongue up and down a most delicious leg…

“…It’s not the money, it’s the recipes…”

…of lamb; and I could do this all night long.

“…One of these nights you might find someone to love…”

“I am a writer, writer of fictions…”

Final declarations.

I've been burning bridge after bridge because I'm in flames and I keep running back over every single one I have.

“Are you okay?”
“Shh. I’m feeling.”

“There is no significant correlation between being in love and being in a relationship.”

…I’m sorry. You’re not the love of my life.

This is probably the silliest reason to want a gf.

Normality, unlike Sunkist orange soda and sleep, is so overrated.

When I have questions about seducing a professor, I'll raise my hand.

“So my mother said, “Is he cute?”, “What school does he go to?”, and- brace yourself- “What are his prospects?””
You know, I only honestly know the answer to 1 of those.
“Funny thing: I don’t know the answer to any of them.”

"Is 'hate sex' hyphenated? <googling> No, not 'I hate sex'."

The worst thing one can do is indent with spaces.

I may miss you next year.
“May?”

Never has -5 felt so satisfying. There is a right way and a wrong way to take one for the team.

This is so teen girl sleepover.

Always guess biscuit.

[Chicago until late Saturday]

“Don’t tell grandma which button we pushed.”

This is what makes waking up at 3am and being an American worthwhile.

Voting, like sleeping, early and often.

[Any food brought to the Wydown Middle School polling station today would be most appreciated.]

The moral question that's bothering me is that I actually needed a new pair of iPod earphones, and the ones I received are in better condition that mine own.

Begging the question.

What truly fascinates me about this ethical question is that I believe that the situation changes completely if the Patriots beat the Giants.