He’s the most A[]-like person I know who isn’t A[].
“But didn’t A[]…?”
Well, yes. But A[] is better at being A[] than G[] is.

One of these days I’ll remember why I’m bothering.

The kid has so little subtlety, he actually thinks he's subtle.

Not proud of this one.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple… you're two tents."

“We welcome your submission and thank you for liking it.”

Libellous.

The basic metrical unit of sketchiness is the peter. However, for everyday purposes, one will be using smaller amounts, such as the millipeter or the centipeter.

“As you set out for Ithaka…”

You set out not for adventure; you had the adventure already; it was called the “Iliad”, and it was 10 years, and is more adventure than most will get ever. Your soul must have Laestrygonians and Cyclops so that when you finally go you can lie about who you are and where you’ve been and what took you so long; wild Poseidon must be invented so that the Muse has some wrath to sing of to justify your absence, dallying in wealth instead of hurrying to an Ithaca now as empty as the experiences you claim you had. Drop your burdening oar when it is finally unrecognized: no one understands except you, and you’re done.

“Odyssey” isn’t the story of a journey. “Odyssey” is the story of Odysseus, and Odysseus is a liar.

“Lumen qui ferimus.
Animos tibi damus.
Antiquum tuum tibi placet.
Hoc spes nostra docet.
Spectant te iuvenes.
O lumen semper des.
Fidem servabimus tibi…”

Eta Sigma Phi

“Is my cheeseburger causing global warming?”

Take another look: paper, papers, act, acts.

Come for the grammar, stay for the ridicule.

“Why would she do that?”
Pleasure; I’m assuming it wasn’t procreative.

There will be Vader.

“I’m finished.”

Every Friday is Good Friday at Fuddruckers. Especially with a beef taco salad and a vanilla shake.

(Suspicious of Whistlers, Presented by Fuddruckers, 8pm tonight, Gargoyle, free improv.)

This year I gave up giving things up for Lent for Lent.

1) The Orbit Gum Girl has a British accent
2) Keira Knightly has a British accent.
3) Keira Knightly is a 34B.
4) A[] is a 34B.
5) I dated A[].
Therefore: I have dated the Orbit Gum Girl QED
"You'd need less deduction if I were blonde."

Illogic is more powerful than logic; it does everything logic can do (for what is more illogical than illogic using logic?) as well as everything logic can’t do.

“But your illogic fails: Keira Knightley is *not* a 34B. She is definitely an A or AA. And I’m currently an 80E."

“I want you to marry me, baby.”
“That's the wrong hand and you have to ask me first.”

Fortuitously paraded, bacchanalianly green.

Unceremoniously empty, consistently preserved.

Prophetically calamitous, betrayingly undeparted.

Constantly irrational, infinitely long.

Having never before been, although from lack of necessity rather than any political point, I, relenting to someone craving a particular flavor of B&J despite every grocery store in the area either not open at 2am or inexplicably unavailable, entered Wal-mart. Even to a sellout, the aura of depression there was undeniable. If I didn’t badly need a toothbrush, I might have resisted the miserable apathy to leave myself the loophole of still at least being able to claim that I’d never bought anything there. Although, for the sheer stupidity of looking for Ben & Jerry’s in a Wal-mart, such shame is fully deserved.

The funny thing is that a third of these adaptations actually seem like they could be worth seeing.

[Precisely which 10/30 is left as an exercise for the reader.]

Figuring out precisely how much sleep is being gotten over break is hard enough without random acts of daylight savings.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Rodent.

I should probably know what gender they are, so that when I buy a replacement after accidentally killing one you don’t figure it out in 3 weeks.

Best live and with people.

Some days all one can do is laugh.
Some days all one should do is laugh.

M[] told me to tell you that you don’t need to worry about it.
“So you were able to reach someone?”
Oh, not at all. You just don’t need to worry about it.

Molecular Theorem
If there is an easy way and a hard way to do something, the easy way won’t work.

Molecular Corollary
The hard way’s not so bad.

Lions are cats.

“Can't you feel the poison rising out of the morning…”

I hate how on a beautiful day not only do I have work, but I don't even have the option anymore of doing it outside.
I also hate how the premidterm productivity I had been engaged in this weekend has been nullified.
I finally hate how the headache for the minor cold which I hadn’t been able to shake is now much worse.

“…Stay inside tonight…”

"It's European History, but with a thesaurus."

Travel the world and the 7th Sea.

“You can spend 5 points for Faith in God. But no one knows what it does.”

C > 1: What if there were an anthropomorphic cat?
C = 1: Now what if it were just a normal cat?
C < 1: Now what if the cat didn't exist?

“I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known…”
Lonely/Alone
“…My shallow heart’s the only thing…”
Trying not to be self-important.
“…Read between the lines…”
Symmetrically transcendental.
“…Where the city sleeps…”
Rest, lest be sick again.
“…Check my vital signs…”
Alone/Lonely
“…'Til then I walk alone…”

The ironic thing about “American Gladiators” is how scripted a show airing because of the Writers Strike is.

Somehow it has taken me almost 95% of my college life to order a pizza delivered to the library to be eaten with friends while doing a problem set. And doing it feels so right.

“C is for cookie…”

Caramel deLites? Sorry, American Samoas are good enough for me.

“…Who cares about the other things…”

You’re going to the Gonzales thing? Can you ask him a question for me:
So, let’s say you meet a cute girl one night at a bar, and you seem to hit it off, and she gives you her number. You call her back a few days later, but she says something evasive and makes an excuse to hang up. You decide to try again another night, but this time she gives an even lamer excuse. From then on, do you try to reach her one final time, or do you just not re-call?
If you do, I’ll forgive you for never talking to me again for suggesting this.

Going the distance. In NC for an improv festival until Sunday.

“That was a long way to go to set up a bad pun.”
Oh, yes. You might even say it was torturous.

I’ve already heard it; nothing I haven’t heard before.

Convocation Drinking Game
4 syllable word (x2 if >4)
Awkward pause after a joke
{"freshman", "sophomore", "junior", "senior"}
“passion”
“experience”
Bad metaphor (x2 if simile)

1) Find them.
2) Give them a hug.
3) Leave without asking them any questions.

“Typing is not exactly the most warm and comforting thing, no matter how nice the words are.”

The secret to printing non-academic material in a school computer lab is to add to the top corner one’s name, the date, and Writing XXX1, and then add an appropriate title.

The trick, however, is finding a printer actually available.

No No Shame; shame.

“If silence is that important, then a suppressed magnum would work.”

“It’s Thursday night, she should be out on the scene…”

The best way to spend Valentine’s Night is running my tongue up and down a most delicious leg…

“…It’s not the money, it’s the recipes…”

…of lamb; and I could do this all night long.

“…One of these nights you might find someone to love…”

“I am a writer, writer of fictions…”

Final declarations.

I've been burning bridge after bridge because I'm in flames and I keep running back over every single one I have.

“Are you okay?”
“Shh. I’m feeling.”

“There is no significant correlation between being in love and being in a relationship.”

…I’m sorry. You’re not the love of my life.

This is probably the silliest reason to want a gf.

Normality, unlike Sunkist orange soda and sleep, is so overrated.

When I have questions about seducing a professor, I'll raise my hand.

“So my mother said, “Is he cute?”, “What school does he go to?”, and- brace yourself- “What are his prospects?””
You know, I only honestly know the answer to 1 of those.
“Funny thing: I don’t know the answer to any of them.”

"Is 'hate sex' hyphenated? <googling> No, not 'I hate sex'."

The worst thing one can do is indent with spaces.

I may miss you next year.
“May?”

Never has -5 felt so satisfying. There is a right way and a wrong way to take one for the team.

This is so teen girl sleepover.

Always guess biscuit.

[Chicago until late Saturday]

“Don’t tell grandma which button we pushed.”

This is what makes waking up at 3am and being an American worthwhile.

Voting, like sleeping, early and often.

[Any food brought to the Wydown Middle School polling station today would be most appreciated.]

The moral question that's bothering me is that I actually needed a new pair of iPod earphones, and the ones I received are in better condition that mine own.

Begging the question.

What truly fascinates me about this ethical question is that I believe that the situation changes completely if the Patriots beat the Giants.

“Mine immaculate dream…"
Lie in bed.
“…Signed, with a home…”
Chosen in absentia.
“…Happy birthday to you was created for you…”
Half and have not.
“…It'll take a little time/Might take a little crime…”
Playoff spot.
“…Words, playing me déjà vu…”
Asked and answered.
“…Chill, is it something real…“
Sick and tired.
“…Lost, in a snow filled sky…”
Here and back again.
“…Who do you need/Who do you love/When you come undone...”

Spot the subtext.

Something’s left unspoken, but it’ll be funny anyhow:
Brown 100, tonight 8pm, free improv, free hot chocolate.

(And by “hot chocolate”, I mean Barack Obama. And by “Barack Obama”, I mean, the Juggernaut.)

Using the equation (a+b^n)/n = x, Euler showed Diderot that this existed during a debate at the court of Catherine the Great. Arguing that whole numbers were the central foundation of mathematics, Kronecker claimed that the integers were the result of this. Pascal, using game theory, concluded that it is optimal to assume that this exists. FTP, what tautologically defines itself as being “I am what I am” in the book of Exodus?

I would provide a phenomenal rant to anyone interested in listening to me today, or tomorrow, or Saturday, or next Tuesday, or at this rate any time during the month of February; except that ironically, on top of everything else, my throat is dead.

STL: where the roads get salted when the temperature is 70F.

“So, is Brantley known for blatantly lying? I called him just before I called you and he said he would send them to me ‘shortly’.”
1) The obvious joke is that Brantley doesn't know the meaning of the word shortly.
2) I got mine in before Brantley?!
3) Brantley is known for blatantly being tardy.

I’m not impugning your honor, merely displaying my own wit.

“He always stood up for what was right, even if it was wrong.”
“He was a crotchety young guy.”

Cold.

Total War: School’s Out Forever

B[] hasn’t turned his in yet. Therefore mine technically isn’t late yet.

There Will Be Blood isn’t as bad as a western should be, since overanalytically interpreting too obvious symbolism as allegory subverts it into another genre: a modern political epic. The Church of the Third Relevalation; H.W.; Daniel Day Lewis’s mustache; oil; the declarative title. It almost seems too easy an explanation.

Mourning becomes electronic.

“S[] B[] can't believe that Heath Ledger is dead.”
“H[] W[] Heath ledger :(.”
“C[] L[] C[] is sad that Heath Ledger died.”
“P[] O[] Heath Ledger is dead!”
“J[] G[] hopes people realize that the american dollar is almost worthless.”

Juno, even more than Knocked Up, takes what would be a dramatic situation and treats it comedically while maintaining a high level of seriousness and realism. The result is a consistent comedy, in which all major characters are gratuitiously human.

Curry favor.

Cloverfield, despite its genre, commits surprisingly absolutely to the fourth wall. It essentially becomes the opposite of Snakes on a Plane: while the latter is is hypercinematic, the former does nearly everything it can to deny being a film.

All by our onesies.

“Sausage is the finest form of pighood. A pig can’t realize that unless it’s a human being.”

5 types of pig in my refrigerator.

“One other thing- there are 2 different sets of silverware…”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.
“No- the thing is, use either for anything. I don’t keep kosher, it’s just my mother...”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.

“So this philosophy class has Aristotle, Locke, Machiavelli…”
That reminds me. I need to call B[] back.

Ultimately, everything has aesthetic value.

“Let me know if you have any luck solving the cluster problem.”
I suspect it may require a military solution.
“Of course! Clusters... or clusterbombs!”

Emergency maintenance.

“And what does this family’s personal tragedy have to do with why I write?”

Pathologica 2

“I write because if I didn’t, I’d be branded a pathological liar.”

“Ready to graduate?”
Ask me in 4 months.
“What are you doing after?”
Ask me in 5 months.

“This is the Colbert Report…”

Satire takes many forms, but absence is not one of them. Just because nothing was mocking does not mean nothing needed to be mocked.

“…And here it is, your moment of zen…”

Overbooking.

Procrastination shouldn’t be rushed.

It gives you a +1 bonus against any disarm attack made against your pants.

It has a hook.

Incomplete Minesweeper Theorem
The chance of correctly guessing the solution in a game in which no further deduction is possible is directly related to the number of mines still unmarked.

“P[]’s more ‘How *dare* you discuss such a thing! Don't you realize how much L[]’s attempt *hurt* me? Do you want to *hurt* me like that?’. L[]’s more like ‘You don't seem to realize that it is in fact selfish. And I know you don't want to be selfish.’. And you're just ‘Please don't die.’. Which is probably the best argument, frankly.”
They have an oddly logical approach to it.

Ethos, logos, pathos: argued to death.

“Silly people assume I operate under logic.”
There’s something almost axiomatic to me, about not dying.

Not sure which is more significant: the first dream in which one speaks a foreign language, or the first dream in which one flees an erupting volcano.

“The seasons will pass- years may fly by, yet the weasel and ball relationship remains consistent. The weasel desires the ball, yet the ball is indifferent, maybe even a little bit distant. It flees. The weasel pursues. It is comedy and tragedy all rolled into one.”

Let’s amuse ourselves.

“Is this store some kind of joke?”
“No! We are a 100% absolutely legitimate serious Weasel Ball Super Store.”

The package is in the mailbox, twice.

I’m clearly too cryptic for my own good.

The converse to rightwingfacebook.org unfortunately does not exist.

I really really hope the Democrats don't screw this up again.
“I know. It will be hard to, but it's possible.”
I have faith in them. That statement works both ways.

“It's easier to run…”

It’s a new year.

It seems like the type of thing I should have gotten into in high school or even middle school, but it never happened.
“Above all, be ready to tell a good story.”

How did that happen.

“…Never moving forward so there'd never be a past…”

I am my own audience.

I think me clever. I amuse myself. My Away Messages are written for me.
Yet AIM is a medium for talking to others.
Furthermore, away messages implies that the narrator is absent.
So herein my Away Messages, others are hearing someone not there, talking to themself.

As I have for the past 6 years: This year I resolve to listen to myself.

The present is a strange collision between a past filled with certainty and a future with uncertainty. For as temporal perspective changes, so does everything else, except certainty. There’s nothing left to debate, so everything becomes debatable. The past has ended. The future will arrive. There is nothing that can be said that changes either.

Listen and learn.

Irresistable.
(put it in my mouth again)

I follow not eating for 24 hours with eating twice at Steak & Shake twice in the same evening.

Part cocktail party, part reunion.

Fast approaching.

It’s obviously Bigfoot.
“What? How is that casual?”
Have you ever seen Bigfoot… in a tuxedo?

Loser : 2003 :: Reality Bites : 2007

The meaning of Christmas is sharing leftover Chinese food.

Finding a counterexample for “knowing where something is implies knowing how to find it”.

“It’s like Jenga, only on a donkey.”

Restacking.

“Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…”

Fedorable.

It comes with the territorial, and batteries.

Stress what to avoid; what to avoid: stress.

i can has cat
sh

Dessert is hard. Lunch is easy. Pie is good.

It’s all downhill from here.

(Art Hill, enjoying the pleasantly wintry Forest Park by the kindness of others.)

“These boots were made for walking…”

Gratuitously working my feet off, for:
80% guilt
15% shameless pride
5% jealousy

Worth it and $5, provided I’m still standing.

I might need a doormat for Christmas. Because I apparently needed one for Chanukkah.

Not going to talk about this past week. Ever.

All-nighters cause lower GPAs, usually through a lack of understanding of logic.

Merely existing.

Secret Santa FAQ
Q1: I haven't received a name yet!
A1: Check your facebook message Inbox. If it's not there, let me know, and I'll have the name sent to you again.

Q2: I received myself!
A2: You're a sick freak.

Q4: Can I make my own gift?
A4: Sure! The idea is to have fun and not get arrested.

Q5: Can I shoplift my gift from the campus bookstore?
A5: No. I'm not bailing you out this time, L[].

Q8: How can you have a cognitional and personal synthesis in the articulated unity of a field conception of time in which the future has primacy?
A8: oh look at the time gotta go

Lox : salmon :: prosciutto : pepperoni

Deny everything, without shame.

“Tell me again, you moaning myrtles of midnight, you mothers and fathers of aborted bananas and wombat whittling! Tell me truthfully.”