I would provide a phenomenal rant to anyone interested in listening to me today, or tomorrow, or Saturday, or next Tuesday, or at this rate any time during the month of February; except that ironically, on top of everything else, my throat is dead.

STL: where the roads get salted when the temperature is 70F.

“So, is Brantley known for blatantly lying? I called him just before I called you and he said he would send them to me ‘shortly’.”
1) The obvious joke is that Brantley doesn't know the meaning of the word shortly.
2) I got mine in before Brantley?!
3) Brantley is known for blatantly being tardy.

I’m not impugning your honor, merely displaying my own wit.

“He always stood up for what was right, even if it was wrong.”
“He was a crotchety young guy.”

Cold.

Total War: School’s Out Forever

B[] hasn’t turned his in yet. Therefore mine technically isn’t late yet.

There Will Be Blood isn’t as bad as a western should be, since overanalytically interpreting too obvious symbolism as allegory subverts it into another genre: a modern political epic. The Church of the Third Relevalation; H.W.; Daniel Day Lewis’s mustache; oil; the declarative title. It almost seems too easy an explanation.

Mourning becomes electronic.

“S[] B[] can't believe that Heath Ledger is dead.”
“H[] W[] Heath ledger :(.”
“C[] L[] C[] is sad that Heath Ledger died.”
“P[] O[] Heath Ledger is dead!”
“J[] G[] hopes people realize that the american dollar is almost worthless.”

Juno, even more than Knocked Up, takes what would be a dramatic situation and treats it comedically while maintaining a high level of seriousness and realism. The result is a consistent comedy, in which all major characters are gratuitiously human.

Curry favor.

Cloverfield, despite its genre, commits surprisingly absolutely to the fourth wall. It essentially becomes the opposite of Snakes on a Plane: while the latter is is hypercinematic, the former does nearly everything it can to deny being a film.

All by our onesies.

“Sausage is the finest form of pighood. A pig can’t realize that unless it’s a human being.”

5 types of pig in my refrigerator.

“One other thing- there are 2 different sets of silverware…”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.
“No- the thing is, use either for anything. I don’t keep kosher, it’s just my mother...”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.

“So this philosophy class has Aristotle, Locke, Machiavelli…”
That reminds me. I need to call B[] back.

Ultimately, everything has aesthetic value.

“Let me know if you have any luck solving the cluster problem.”
I suspect it may require a military solution.
“Of course! Clusters... or clusterbombs!”

Emergency maintenance.

“And what does this family’s personal tragedy have to do with why I write?”

Pathologica 2

“I write because if I didn’t, I’d be branded a pathological liar.”

“Ready to graduate?”
Ask me in 4 months.
“What are you doing after?”
Ask me in 5 months.

“This is the Colbert Report…”

Satire takes many forms, but absence is not one of them. Just because nothing was mocking does not mean nothing needed to be mocked.

“…And here it is, your moment of zen…”

Overbooking.

Procrastination shouldn’t be rushed.

It gives you a +1 bonus against any disarm attack made against your pants.

It has a hook.

Incomplete Minesweeper Theorem
The chance of correctly guessing the solution in a game in which no further deduction is possible is directly related to the number of mines still unmarked.

“P[]’s more ‘How *dare* you discuss such a thing! Don't you realize how much L[]’s attempt *hurt* me? Do you want to *hurt* me like that?’. L[]’s more like ‘You don't seem to realize that it is in fact selfish. And I know you don't want to be selfish.’. And you're just ‘Please don't die.’. Which is probably the best argument, frankly.”
They have an oddly logical approach to it.

Ethos, logos, pathos: argued to death.

“Silly people assume I operate under logic.”
There’s something almost axiomatic to me, about not dying.

Not sure which is more significant: the first dream in which one speaks a foreign language, or the first dream in which one flees an erupting volcano.

“The seasons will pass- years may fly by, yet the weasel and ball relationship remains consistent. The weasel desires the ball, yet the ball is indifferent, maybe even a little bit distant. It flees. The weasel pursues. It is comedy and tragedy all rolled into one.”

Let’s amuse ourselves.

“Is this store some kind of joke?”
“No! We are a 100% absolutely legitimate serious Weasel Ball Super Store.”

The package is in the mailbox, twice.

I’m clearly too cryptic for my own good.

The converse to rightwingfacebook.org unfortunately does not exist.

I really really hope the Democrats don't screw this up again.
“I know. It will be hard to, but it's possible.”
I have faith in them. That statement works both ways.

“It's easier to run…”

It’s a new year.

It seems like the type of thing I should have gotten into in high school or even middle school, but it never happened.
“Above all, be ready to tell a good story.”

How did that happen.

“…Never moving forward so there'd never be a past…”

I am my own audience.

I think me clever. I amuse myself. My Away Messages are written for me.
Yet AIM is a medium for talking to others.
Furthermore, away messages implies that the narrator is absent.
So herein my Away Messages, others are hearing someone not there, talking to themself.

As I have for the past 6 years: This year I resolve to listen to myself.

The present is a strange collision between a past filled with certainty and a future with uncertainty. For as temporal perspective changes, so does everything else, except certainty. There’s nothing left to debate, so everything becomes debatable. The past has ended. The future will arrive. There is nothing that can be said that changes either.

Listen and learn.

Irresistable.
(put it in my mouth again)

I follow not eating for 24 hours with eating twice at Steak & Shake twice in the same evening.

Part cocktail party, part reunion.

Fast approaching.

It’s obviously Bigfoot.
“What? How is that casual?”
Have you ever seen Bigfoot… in a tuxedo?

Loser : 2003 :: Reality Bites : 2007

The meaning of Christmas is sharing leftover Chinese food.

Finding a counterexample for “knowing where something is implies knowing how to find it”.

“It’s like Jenga, only on a donkey.”

Restacking.

“Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…”

Fedorable.

It comes with the territorial, and batteries.

Stress what to avoid; what to avoid: stress.

i can has cat
sh

Dessert is hard. Lunch is easy. Pie is good.

It’s all downhill from here.

(Art Hill, enjoying the pleasantly wintry Forest Park by the kindness of others.)

“These boots were made for walking…”

Gratuitously working my feet off, for:
80% guilt
15% shameless pride
5% jealousy

Worth it and $5, provided I’m still standing.

I might need a doormat for Christmas. Because I apparently needed one for Chanukkah.

Not going to talk about this past week. Ever.

All-nighters cause lower GPAs, usually through a lack of understanding of logic.

Merely existing.

Secret Santa FAQ
Q1: I haven't received a name yet!
A1: Check your facebook message Inbox. If it's not there, let me know, and I'll have the name sent to you again.

Q2: I received myself!
A2: You're a sick freak.

Q4: Can I make my own gift?
A4: Sure! The idea is to have fun and not get arrested.

Q5: Can I shoplift my gift from the campus bookstore?
A5: No. I'm not bailing you out this time, L[].

Q8: How can you have a cognitional and personal synthesis in the articulated unity of a field conception of time in which the future has primacy?
A8: oh look at the time gotta go

Lox : salmon :: prosciutto : pepperoni

Deny everything, without shame.

“Tell me again, you moaning myrtles of midnight, you mothers and fathers of aborted bananas and wombat whittling! Tell me truthfully.”

The Gaze: free improv tonight at 8pm in the Gargoyle.
See it.

Fatuous.

There is a 41% chance that drinking diet soda causes being overweight rather than being overweight causes drinking diet soda.

“What kind of music do you like?”
Not country.
“I said music.”
That's the best retort I've ever heard to my standard answer.

Apparently I’m an adult. Be all mature and straightforward. Ew. How did that happen? Nevermind, I know the answer: 5 months ago.

Intention: May.

It’s stuff like this that makes me sad the Daily Show is on strike.

Whatever I Can Get -> Networking captures perfectly the way in which facebook has sold out.

With Whatever I Can Get no longer being an option, there is a lack of the implicit inverse. Thus it is no longer shown that I’m not looking for what I can't get.

“P[] left his facebook logged on.”
“Leave it. <pause> Open, not alone.”

“And I guess that's why they call it the blues…”

Got talked into seeing a hockey game, completing a mild desire intended since the 2002 Olympics instead of doing work. While compared to other sports, the relative increase in entertainment value between watching live and watching on TV seemed low, it was definitely correct to not reject a seat at a game. Winning against Chicago, it was a good night: 3-1 victory.

Thanks, but as a male I cannot in good conscience turn down a hockey game for a sorority pre-rush banquet.

Poetry in motion.

“Oh, this night is too long…”

Figure out the logistics.
Bet $10 on it.
Follow the bouncing ball.
Hear the music.
Swing and pull and spin around.
Treasure the past.
Get your picture taken for the first time.
And again.
And again.
Take out your phone and make the call.
Wire money to Mexico.
Sneak in.
Get spotted.
Run for your life.
Don’t look down.
Don’t ask questions.
Ignore what they’re doing.
Wear someone else’s hat and coat.
Eat pie.
Miss you most of all.
Scarecrow.

“…In the end it's worthwhile…”

You’ll feel better in the morning.

"I ran away from X because I need to be Y and X wasn't very Y and now I'm kicking myself in the Z."

If I weren't going to not start something, I wouldn't have not done it by now.

“You guys talked about sex without me?”
Yes. We also talked, without you, about sex.

Why do you *tell* me,
Godzilla stomping Bambi?
Because I'm not cruel.

“Touched” is the right word.

Worshipped by pagan rites, to Great Lunar Diana of Nemi
Lollygaggers come! Druids, invoke Forasté!

“There once were some peeps in a traveling cult.
Not getting why their signs always caused a tumult.
They entreated Diana of moon-ruling powers
With Nazi swastikas and wee pot o’ flowers.
Since Nemi, however, after finding no peace,
They settled in Elea with real shrines like Greece!
Love, The Druids <3”

Tape Side Tape Side Tape
Side Tape Side Tape Side Tape Side
Tape Side Tape Side Tape

As pain remains, to see
Identity
Escape the fate of being free
From passion, so will we.

“That reminds me of a Thanksgiving tradition…”
<sigh> Going around the table and saying what we're thankful for.
“No…”“But that is a good idea! I had completely forgotten. Why don't you start?”
Sorry, everyone.
Thanks.

Gobble gobble gobble squawk splat

“…and finally I'm thankful for rediscovering my best friend.”
“Oh? Online?”
“No. <points to husband> Him.”

Hitman is gratuitous, but in neither an artistic nor a crude manner. It is almost bland, offering what it does with merely mediocre cursory attention to the rest. In some ways this simple world of the stoic savior is alluring. So many questions aren’t answered, but, not having an answer, they aren’t even asked.

I’d forgotten how much I miss MD autumns.

The Deception of Easiness
For easiness is desired. Education is pursued for it, balancing present rigor against future leisure. Yet puzzles get solved, boredom gets resisted, challenges get sought. One strives. One loves the one who one’s not with, even with a choice and a sigh. Elections get determined by front-runners, with problems and questions ignored for issues and stances. Those with the ability to lead are chosen over those who do lead. Hillary climbed because it was there; but so too is the anonymous molehill, which becomes mounted without acclaim.

In every potential there is an Erin and there is a Monica. One is easier than the other; the tricky part is that the other is also easier than the one.

I cannot start this.

“Do you want to take this back with you?”
Well, it seems a little too bulky; how often am I going to use it?
“The portable airplane power supply, not the car battery.”

Having a father who went to MIT is sometimes a very good thing.

“She has very red hair.”
“<scoffs>”

Allow me to be a Classics dork for a second, but omg they found the Lupercale.
“Allow me to be the pinnacle of a HP dork and just go squee at the name Remus.”

Registering what I already should have been finished with.

I know who I am.
I need to stop forgetting that.

Either with the competition or the hangover, good luck tomorrow.
“Perhaps both.”

The hardest part of figuring out the future is figuring out the present.

“Don’t think of it as 5am Saturday morning. Think of it as 5am Friday night.”

I actually didn’t hate the cluster system until 1pm yesterday.

Double, check.
Withdraw, the question.
Cluster,

“Social science is a vacuum.”

If anyone has any advice on particularly easy or painless SS courses/clusters among those being offered next semester, let me know.

[This would have been a funnier Away Message if my memory were better.]

“I have completed the first step towards my lifelong goal of becoming a robot.”
Robot teeth are the first step? What’s second?
“A robot circulatory system?”
Why can’t robots just use blood? I mean, the iron thing makes sense.
“Actually, it does make sense. <swears> Now you’ve got me thinking about blood-robots.”

I'm not going to be that kid.
"I'll be that kid."
Don't be that kid.

Porphyry was that kid.

Argh, I should have brought a water bottle. <checks> Argh. Okay, I'm going to run and buy one. Anyone else want anything?
"Can you fill up my water bottle?"
Wow. You so do go camping.

I dreamt. I was surrounded by books.

"Hey, can you bring me back a latte or a cappuccino?"
Wow. You so don't go camping.

Team Arrested Development Season 4 was unfortunately prematurely canceled. Given a series of upsets towards the end, how much the disastrously random seeding effects the results could not be extrapolated. But despite certain irregularities in the tournament structure, some very close games were played.

Let the veterans grumble: it’s not as good as it used to be.

Self-destruct.

This is one of those days when a hand that otherwise should win is going to lose in such a way that nothing can be done about it.

The saddest words in the English language are I can’t do this.

When in doubt, be Machiavellian.

Dear St. Louis Weather,
Be less bipolar.
Yours truly,

Operation Apparation.

Is is = = 1?

(What is, the meaning of this.)

The Illusionist unfortunately forces comparison to “The Prestige”; for the latter is better. While the former tells a story, with plot and characters and setting, the latter transcends to be a spectacle, a thing to be seen. And yet this probably depends on perspective. Seen as an in-flight film while leaving the country hours after reconcluding a relationship begun with lies and deceit, I liked it.

Half of the fun of seeing The Prestige is being amazed. The other half is turning to the other stunned audience members afterwards to discuss awedly how it was done.

Make stuff up

(Suspicious of Whistlers, Gargoyle, tonight, 8pm, free, improv comedy)

“I've been toying with the idea of getting a moped and using it to get around longer suburban distances, and even more serious interstate travel. I think I probably won't do it because of the getting killed part, and also how easy they are to steal. But I've been having fun poking things into google and checking the 'avoid highways' box to see how it would go.”

Dreams and European buses are the best ways to travel.

“It would be easier if google maps had an 'avoid the ghetto' box.”

Not enough time to see myself.
Not enough time to be seen as myself.

(Half half-finished.)

Does anyone have a pair of black gloves I could borrow? (Or alternatively, some time and ambition?)

It seems that everytime I buy a loaf of bread this year, the back half disintegrates into mold.

Scripted.

“Stop this nonsense! Look at you two gentlemen! Acting like children! Shame on you. Both. Both crybabies. Stop this nonsense. Immediately.”

Enter Enter/Exeunt

Quite the spectacle, to be sure, yet disappointly reduced. Certainly humorous, but surprisingly the writing too obviously dated. The original was better.

Author is inspired to novels which become fanfic which become slashfic which become confirmed by the author.

"Someone came into the store today and bought a wizard cape, a wizard hat, and a giant plastic pink wand that was obviously for little girls. I asked him if it was all for one costume. He replied, ‘Dumbledore.’."

Damn it. Put on real pants and go.

“I don’t understand why zombies eat brains.”
It makes perfect sense.
“How?”
For the same reason that humans eat muscles.
“That actually does make a lot of sense.”

It may take 30 minutes, but the common loon is clearly deadly.

“Drove to Chicago…”

Singled with a win after a long SI hiatus, with the following chain. [Ask if any connection needs explaining.]

George W. Bush
Jenna Bush
Jena 6
James VI
Stuart Little
Mr. Big
God
Chuck Norris
Chuck Taylors
Keds
K-Fed
Britney Spears
William the Conqueror
Norman Mailer
Neil Postman
Will Wright
SimCity
Phil Simms
Disney World
Orlando Bloom
Legolas
Jenna Elfman
the Dharma Initiative
"Lost"
George W. Bush

It’s a good time to reassociate.

“…All things go, all things go / To recreate us…”

I could use a few days to breathe and sleep. Actually, I could likewise use a few minutes, hours, weeks, months, or years. But I’ll take what I can get.

Only a matter of time.

I have a silly superstitition whereby I let my graded exams and assignments cool off for a certain number of hours before I look at them. I think it’s because I believe that the result is determined by how well a day I’m having then, not by how well a day I’m having when the test is taken.

Only a matter of time.

This is the part of the midterm where my handwriting gets very bad and my logic loses focus and omg I’m out of time

“We need to travel back in time and make you go to Hopkins so that you help us build me a time machine.”
Except I got into Hopkins because I couldn’t have a time machine.
“There are 2^n parallel universes, in one of which all of us are at Hopkins. It is the responsibility of us in the other universes to bring our parallel selves together. Because I really need a time machine.”
I empathize. Fine, I’m in- but only to morally enforce a no-diverging-timelines policy.

Only a matter of time.

Jewish race : clown :: drunk David Spade : time machine

“You have 3 12-hours clocks. One gains a minute every day, one loses a minute every day, and one doesn’t work. Which is most accurate?”

Only a matter of time.

Can I meta the question?
“Can you meta the question?”
Ooh please ooh please let me.
“<sigh>”
Taking the first derivative of the first 2 clocks’ accuracy with respect to time shows them to be equal. Therefore, since the question implies a single answer, it must be the third clock.