“There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination...”

The one born yesterday is eldest tomorrow. The one younger than you is older than you; the one younger than you leads your life. You are older than you will be and younger than you have been. Past is present; a future date was marked last night. The year is over and about to begin and already begun and still going. Everyone knows the truth: everything is a lie.

“...It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone...”

Fortune cookies are as odd as context:
“Before you wonder ‘Am I doing things right’, ask ‘Am I doing the right things?’”

We had plenty of time. We were in our seats a good 20 or 30 seconds before the lights began dimming.

“We’re looking for 6029. We were just at 7000, and the numbers were decreasing. Now we are at 1000. Therefore, this road is a tesseract.”

“Digital circuits are made from analog parts.”

“I used to be Republican, until the church took over the party.”
“I used to be Catholic, until the Republican Party took over the church.”

“I hate Duke. Because everyone there is preppy. And it’s in Durham, so those that aren’t preppy are Southern.”

“Better aim at the moon than shoot into the well.”

“I wish I could just be Content […].”

The biggest problem with Serenity is that it is worse than the Firefly. The rest are little problems which involve spoilers.

While “Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody” has some clever ideas, it suffers since what it is trying to parody is already too clever. With what it is trying to parody being more fun, it just isn’t enjoyable enough to read.

Taking another look.

Misplaced.

"It is a requirement that every mathematics teacher teach you something illegal."
In B[]'s case, how to kill yourself.

Would that my GPA went up every time I was wrong, Cliff was right, and my personal philosophy was shaken.

The AC/heater has an analog dial for temperature and 4 levels of intensity (high, medium, low, off). These combine to exactly 3 permutations: {cold, hot, off}.

My spatially optimized room setup has a flaw: climate.

Every 4 minutes someone in Canada gets a concussion.
This is not why my head hurts.

I cannot catch a shuttle for the life of me.

(Actually, it's more of a general failure at being able to get to the Galleria.)

I have class not only on reading week, but also on reading weekend. By choice. I feel so academic.

All this philosophy is well and good, but when do we get to kill someone?

Photographic evidence is as fleeting as battery life: blink and it's gone, forgotten like a passed milestone. A neat vanishing trick, if you can furnish it; it'll make your head hurt and put your hands on your hips. Only thing to do is to do it yesterday, and try again today. Somehow it’ll fit together. Together we stand alone.

Engage
eXplore
Collaborate
Execute
Leave them smiling

Sometimes customer service stops at execution.

“Can I nominate A[] for recognition since she hasn’t killed any customers today?”

Won Mafia 40, the Worst Game Ever. Ironically, given that I was part of the Newbie mafia and got investigated Night 1, it might even be for the best that my Day 1 actions were indefensible, so that my fellow newbie mafias weren’t exposed defending me. Not that that’s any defense, though it is a convenient rationalization.

"Well, it looks like we got a mafia."
"How do you figure?"
"He didn't have a gun."
"So?"
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"
"Then how did he kill people?"
"With his stethoscope."

Finally attended a Midnight Breakfast, having not made it to either of last year’s. And was underwhelmed. Sure it’s free CC, but the lines are long and the supply of food is short. So I take the provided dinnerware, go to Ursa’s, and still haven’t eaten at Midnight Breakfast.

If I want free food, I’ll hit the Classics department.

Didn't learn.
For the identification of the Ides of March I wanted to conclude with something of the form: "And approximately 2000 years later, Fabio would be born." But [as stated in a long-previous Away Message] I was running short on time and my last two answers were slightly weaker, and I didn't want the professor to think that I was wasting time on pranks instead of regurgitating knowledge. Opportunity lost.

If a tree falls in a forest and hits a mime, would anyone care?
(The final word is strictly intransitive; there is not even an implied object.)

Holiday Hootenanny: Orange juice provided.

My seeming inability to show up at certain morning events recently is totally the fault of an unreliable snooze button.

“...ac non verba sequi fidibus modulanda Latinis,
sed verae numerosque modosque ediscere vitae.”

Satur Horace.

That’s it! I’m putting up a quoteboard!
<dramatically throws down stuff>
<dramatically storms out>
<returns>
Er, I need these.
<picks up keys>
<leaves>

What’s better than getting free movie tickets?
Going to the movie and getting free stuff.

At the advanced screening of Narnia 1, I sat in the door prize seat, earning a mediocre goodiebag of poster/hat/shirt plus somesuch to be mailed from Y98, which might even circularly include a gift certificate to a movie theatre.

Incidentally, Narnia 1 is “The Passion” plus “Lord of the Rings”. Having not read the books since learning about the now amazingly obvious allegory, I need to do so.

Danny’s Diet
Eat when you are hungry; don’t when you aren’t. (Asterisk the hypoglycemia.)

Not that difficult. So, clearly, what this naturally evolved impulse of the human body needs is a faddish quasi-scientific system with a shiny logo and the marketable moniker of intuitive eating. Which ought to include cannibalism.

Trying way too hard to think of oxymoronic Hurricane names.
Like Hurricane Joy. Or Hurricane Sunny (Sonny?).

Think I'm allergic to Roman History essays.

Chelsea’s Corollary
“If your boyfriend values your worth as a girlfriend by whether or not you understand "the importance of staying to watch the end of the Spirit Temple" rather than whether or not you can beat it in half the time it normally takes him to get the Iron Boots, dump him.”

If your girlfriend won’t understand the importance of staying to watch the end of the Spirit Temple, dump her.

Another priority might be seeing Suspicious of Whistlers at Ursa’s at 9:30 tonight.

“Isolated as he now is when he writes to Augustus, he can observe the distortion of his and his peers’ accomplishments, mordantly contemplating, for example, the collapse into pat neoteric cliché of the hard-won aesthetic victories of his generation, in which they had reworked and upgraded the Callimacheanism of the neoterics, making it a suitable engine for their greater ambitions.”

<blink>

Una cum scriptore / meo.

I already miss my enchirito.

With a 10:30 am registration time today, my schedule is a mess. Will be signing up for 7 classes, expecting to drop 4 and pick up 2. If I wind up dropping 5, I will have a serious problem.

Anyone have any advice regarding any of the following?
Elementary Probability and Statistics
Language, Culture, and Society
Latin and Greek in Current English
Logic and Critical Analysis
Fiction Writing

Would be so much easier if my utterances were immediately carried out and/or were accompanied by a laughtrack.

“My Freshman Year” is effectively an objective analysis of *me*. Would have liked more of the means of investigation rather than of the end conclusions; the latter are common to college guide, but the former unique to this. Enjoyment probably relates more than usual to a reader’s relation to the subject.

A cappella should not sound like barbershop quartet.

Perfection Dichotomy
Consider the idea of imperfection, as shown in a previous Away Message. The idea of imperfection has imperfection as an aspect.
I am able to consider the idea of imperfection. Thus I am imperfect.
As shown in a previous Away Message, therefore God (as traditionally defined) does not exist.
Therefore either God (as traditionally defined) does not exist, or I don't exist, or neither of us do.

Which?

[I become We. Thus speak Pandora.]

What is better than Thanksgiving break, fair play or the Harvard comma?

Common courtesy: If it hasn’t moved in 48 hours, it is.

An n-player game based on luck will, if played infinitely, result in a win percentage of 1/n.
An n-player game based on skill will, if played infinitely, result in a win percentage of either 0 or 1.

RPS is a game of skill.

Perfection Dichotomy
As shown in a previous Away Message, if an object is given as either perfect or imperfect, then the state of the entire universe with respect to perfect becomes known.
Likewise, a perfect object cannot exist in the same universe as an imperfect object.
Consider God (as traditionally defined). God is defined as perfect.
Consider the Preamble to the Constitution. “More perfect” implies less than perfect, implies imperfect.

Therefore church and state are separate.

Was informed that there might be fraudulent activity occurring on my Sears Mastercard. The fact that I don't have a Sears Mastercard makes it seem even more likely.

The first 3 movies were good only because the books were good; however Harry Potter 4 is a good movie on its own merits. While it would have been nice if a few loose plots were resolved, such as Rita Skeeter and Karkaroff, despite being based on a lengthier original the film feels more complete. Nor was, despite worries, Moody as disappointing as Lupin.

For some reason I had thought the Goblet of Fire was the Triwizard Cup, but that appears to have been incorrect.

Dumbledore is a house-elf.
Dumbledore is a Death Eater.

Now we are 6.

Perfection Dichotomy
Define something perfect as something which is perfect.
Define something imperfect as something which is not perfect.
Define something perfect as having every aspect of it perfect.
Consider the universe. Either it is perfect and everything in it is perfect, or it is imperfect and everything in it is imperfect.
Thus either everything is perfect, or everything is imperfect.

Which?

“Ready? Let’s roll onto something new...”

Autumn won’t ever take the place of Spring.

[Not “No Doubt” and certainly not “Don’t Speak”.]

I’m sorry.

“Heaven ain't close in a place like this...”

Vertigo not being felt.

Perhaps it’s the worse the dance is, the better time I have, because of the higher relative of enjoyment. There are deeper heights to scale.

Common reorganization.

Suspicious of Whistlers
Tonight at 8pm
Brown 100
FREE

Three men can keep a secret if two of them are dead and the third gets assassinated on the Ides of March.

Latin fix.

“I can't change...”
Bittersweet Symphony shouldn’t have words.

However, it also shouldn’t be played for 20 seconds in an answering machine greeting, especially one that then continues with the “this is me/I’m not here/leave a message/press page or leave a callback number/beep”
“...from one day to the next...”

If you're reading this, you should be reading this.
(Yes, I know, you have to login. It's worth it.)

No cheese Gromit.

Classic declarations
[profile temporarily utilized for space]

You better put out for this.
“So that’s how Cat gets so many people interested in declaring Classics.”

“I really hate Paris.”
“I know! Who would choose love over power?”
“Uh, that’s not what I meant.”

“That was Paris Hilton.”
“Really?”
You probably didn’t recognize her with her clothes on.

Paris Hilton is worth a mass.

“I’m a Plato addict.”
No need to apologize.

“So there’s this thing this guy makes on the Internet which I read, and that was very vague but now I’m going to get more specific.”

“I keep a livejournal but instead of writing it down, I just act it out real-time.”

“I want people to do to me the things I do to them. No wait-“

40% chance of needing to wear something over a white t-shirt.

“Look at this shirt; isn’t it you?”
It might be, except, well… you know that dishtowel you have?

“I used to go to a different sex shop but I kept on running into my parents there.”

I’m still on ‘Chelsea doesn’t like Bare Naked Ladies’.

"The best date I had was at DelTaco; it was drive-through."

That’s it? Inari’s just rice in a shell? That’s like- hold on- like going on a date with a girl and going back to your room with her afterwards and kissing her... on the hand.
And isn’t Inari a character on Firefly?

I’m just racking my brains trying to think of someone...
“Worse off, or that you can get with?”
Ouch. But point.

I don’t care about him anymore; I’m worried about how you’re reacting. Like, did you have a drunken 1-night hookup?
You know I don’t drink! <pause> Okay, that was really funny.

What do you call a drunk ninja? A pirate.

Seriously, Cat better put out.
“She promised?”
See, I have this habit of making slightly tasteless jokes. And I'm a pathological liar. I still don't understand why people believe me.

Friends don’t let friends eat at Center Court alone.

The controversy of abortion seems like it has such an Alexandrian solution that I only doubt its effectiveness because it seems to have occurred to no one else. The disagreement stems from the fact that the Constitution is ambiguous: some point to a right to life, others point to liberty. A disagreement about Constitutional meaning can be resolved in one of 2 ways. Either by judicial fiat, resulting in the ridiculous politicizing and overdominance of the issue given to the Supreme Court. Or by constitutional convention, letting the people amend contradiction away.

So my solution: Have the pros draft their amendment, the antis theirs. In November let both be voted on. If either is enacted, the knot is cut. If neither, well, then the status quo is upheld and there is legitimacy for the judicial decisions, and worst case the issue is no worse off then before.

Of course it’s not that simple. But I don’t know why not.

“I’m more than a bird / I’m more than a plane...”

My new facebook photo has been taken, though it may be a bit before I replace the one currently up which just celebrated its anniversary. Am also trying to get the new facebook photoalbums working, which might involve the digital camera I finally got around to using.

“I’m only a man in a silly red sheet...”

The music sucked. Had to buy scalped counterfeit free tickets. Was cold outside and noisy inside. Found few other people I knew. Never got the gender ratio aligned properly. Hadn't danced for awhile; am a bad dancer anyway. The music *really* sucked. Everyone else wanted to leave early.

I had a wonderful time at Bauhaus.

"...I'm not gonna stand here and wait."

Team Emu took 2nd place with a final neg when the score was tied entering the last question. Which I can't help blaming myself for: my faulty scorekeeping, my bad guessing strategy, my last second blanking on a decent stab, plus the usual places where points could have earlier been picked up elsewhere, especially because I had not anticipated an opponent’s crazy buzzer speed.

But even with the worst case interpretation having me losing $40 on the final question, we still won $60. Besides, freshman upsets are tradition.

"Flying over the competition."

“If I go crazy then will you still / Call me...”

Clark Kent for a day, or two; or a year, or two; or a lifetime, or two; or henceforth. Phonemes of the same allophone; here let me hear being heard.

“I left my body lying somewhere / In the sands of time...”

“As a general rule, I’m against appeasement.”
I’ll give you that.

It’s probably for the best that the Cardinals lost in the NLCS. It would have been tragic to be the ones breaking curses in 2 consecutive World Series.

What’s a scone?
It’s like a muffin, but less cakey.
What’s the opposite of cakey?
Sconey.

Lost Newbie 128 for so many deserved reasons. Such as, despite ethical misgivings, my undertaking an admittedly risky strategy of sacrificing my fellow mafia through deliberate bad play, which wouldn’t have worked even if it hadn’t backfired from the town’s extreme lurking. Or ignoring my gut feeling and other ethical misgivings to kill a suspicious player rather than an unprotected cop. I’m not even upset about having kills prevented twice. Honestly, being lynched at the end wasn’t so bad, considering I felt I did all I really could that final day.

“This is the noise that keeps me awake / My head explodes and my body aches...”

2 midterms (plus a discussion session) today. Can’t get a song out of my head, can’t get material in.

“...We'll stay up all night...”

Kipling’s Cat in Rome- wall facing the door.
Escher- ceiling.
The Creed of the Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsive- side of closet.
EmpTyger- ? (I have had numerous authorities cite alongside the door, but I am yet torn; there is a symbolism that directs me towards placing it by the bed and window.)
?- The large empty wall remains above my desk. (Something is needed there, if not an entire mural. Suggestions welcome.)

Singumore sopholar.
Imperfect seductress,
Pursuing a trivial
Message (subtext),

Telecommunicates,
Still with her many mates
Keeps up her streak- with a
Little black dress.

In the beginning God created grammar and language...
And amongst all the words God placed an adjective, and He formed this adjective making it suitable and superior, sound and excellent, honorable and reliable; it was able and bountiful, pleasant and benevolent, loyal and moral; it was beneficial to health, and attractive, and proper.
And God saw that it was Good.

(The evolving English language is not a product of intelligent design.)

Wilma leading to Greek.

(Apparently hurricant names only go through W; if there are more, they are named after Greek letters. This is not without symbolism.)

Since my cell phone service had begun to improve, naturally it was time for something appropriately destructive, such as Mobular’s display dying. The phone works otherwise, so communication is possible, if slightly trickier than previously.

Since I will be needing to get a new phone soon, if not a new service, what cell phone company do people have, and how good/bad are the service, customer and otherwise?

Svenson opening.

The Wash U A Team (tragically left unnamed; perhaps Gold to match the Wash U Green and Red of the B and C teams?) in my first performance on it went undefeated. The best of my 13 powers would have to be metaing “Valkerie” after only “In the video game Gauntlet, this character <buzz> wielded a sword”; though I must also must mention powering “Tolkien” given Oxford and Edith.

"Among her childrens books are Whangdoodle..."
<buzz> "Julie Andrews?"
"Correct."
"That was power, right?"
"No, you had to get it before Doodle."
"Actually, the cutoff was Whang."
Whang should never be the cutoff.

Even so, I regrettably could not match last year’s tastelessness even with the statue of the miner costumed as a crusader.

Amongst the coolest things ever would be a T-Rex on Segway.

I would like to remind Peter that following a performance the energy level is going to maintain its high; and that there if one looks hard enough, one can find humor in every situation; and that a troupe should, as a whole, collectively encourage the expression of humor; and that murder, torture, dismemberment, and sodomy are abhorrent and illegal practices; and that it was all Amy’s idea.

If I were forced to be doing EComp again, I would be doing a Pirate vs. Ninja research paper.

Suspicious of Whistlers will be at the St. Louis Science Center Friday evening. Transportation might be able to be provided- let me know as soon as possible if interested.

Philosophy *sucks*. This paper *sucks*. Well, that’s not true. This paper doesn't exist.
That's philosophical. Can something that does not exist suck?

Mario Kart and Mario Kart, and Princess is still the best. Let nostalgia come to Shanedling.

Too many possibilities, but still pure skill.

“It’s like Rock-Paper-Scissors, only it’s called Bear-Hunter-Ninja.”
Okay, but how does the ninja kill the hunter?
“It’s a fucking ninja!”
Okay, but how does the bear kill the ninja?
“It’s a fucking bear!”

[Delivery beats Decency. Sorry.]

Since commercial airlines will probably never allow smoking henceforth, it seems wasteful to have the “no-smoking” light next to the “fasten seatbelts” light. While the latter is a condition which will change over a flight, the former condition is constant; unlike, say, the usage of portable electronic devices. So, why not make that a light instead?

As I discovered on a flight last week, however, apparently USAirways beat me to the patent office. Moral victory, I suppose.

So I’m walking through the mall past a shoe store and a bright orange Converse catches my eye. So I have to go inside and inquire. And I discover that the only pair that color they carry is the one on display. Which happens to be in my size. And which happens to be 50% off.

I hereby declare the week of suck over.

About a week ago I indicated that this week would suck.
It still does.
It still is.

"O the cares of humans! O how much emptiness there is in things!"

I haven’t yet been to class this week and it still sucks.

New year or near you.

Home, with only Van Ness Monster to listen to. Which is might not be as unpleasant as it sounds.

[Speaking of new names: Dental Sedimental?]

Home until Tuesday. But it’s not the same.

I fixed myself dinner because I didn't feeling like leaving the room. I had a piece of bread with Hershey kisses and Hershey kisses on the side. I felt really sick.

My apologize for being whiny. And not conjugating my verbs.

And she tore it apart. Which I can respect, because it's my first college paper, and I wrote it the night before, and it sucked.

I wish people knew me and that I am just unstable.

Let Satan have his day.

Sprinkles make the hot chocolate.

The name of an improv troupe should
1) Be easy to pronounce
2) Not sound like an a capella group

Suggestions are being solicited through Saturday.

ps It’s a Long-form!

“Actually, I just ate dinner- with someone you know.”
Animal, vegetable, or mineral?
“Animal.”
Are they bigger than a breadbox?
“Slightly.”
Are they sma- wait, is it Cat?
“No.”

Mission Accomplished.

Finally had the time to admire my orangy new iPod, which needs a name. Currently proprsed is Van Ness Monster. Taking alternate suggestions until I find the time to actually load music onto the thing.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Eliot 2 Girls Are Ugly

(Swiping an air hockey table is a 4-man job.)

Comparatives and superlatives:

Walk in, lie down.
Walk in, lie down, emergency room.
Walk in, lie down, Emergency Support Team.

Lost and La, if not other things which should be celebrated but won't be on account of it being Wednesday. <insert hurricane joke here>

My toes hate Mondays.

So today the girl behind me in linguistics needed a stapler. Which I so carry with me. Really. I do.

First of all, next time you have a heart attack, um, tell me about it? And second, get rid of that pig.

Of all the things not to do...
...Drugs are one of them?
I was going to say not be yourself.

Why do you have 2 tissue boxes?
That’s my vice tissue box. If my first one dies, this one takes over.

Unfortunately didn’t have a chance to follow up last year’s reputation setting limericks, but did manage the following overlooked entry for [blonde]:

A bimbo bearing a hot bod;
Her insights, at best, are quite odd.
Portrayed as a ditz
In humor, but its
Just a stereotype. Omigod.

The reason that it is impossible to make a good parody of “American Pie” is because it mimetically imitates thricely.

Though it might be possible to make a parody of American Pie about American Pie parodies. I am hypothesizing that while it may not be able to be good, it has the potential to not be bad.

Audiences do not read for Audiences alone, but for Men.

Wednesday is my Katrina day. Disastrous, oversaturated, and dominated by awesome forces of destruction and mismanagement.

(I figure Katrina jokes should be tasteful any day now, and want to get a jump on it.)

Call for help.

But not to Cingular, who during a roadtrip to Indianapolis reset my service without prompt or notification, and still do not feel like restoring my now-borderline coverage to beyond 1 bar at best.

*4* showers in one day? Never has being so clean felt so dirty.

(And 4 loads of laundry accounted for/corrected, a most impressive considering there being only 3 laundry machines.)

"President Bush probably never read Livy or Virgil."

        
           

I wish I drew a cypress well.

“...male si mandata loqueris aut dormitabo aut ridebo.”

Schedule: Active/fair.

Underage drinking is not a joke.

Just kidding.

c i p h e r s
o & 1 9 2 0 1
d 2 1 5 2 1 9
e 1 9 4 1 1 3
s 1 3 9 2 0 !

“References
[1] Some reference to something, probably an Austin paper.
[2] That one with the cave.
[3] Parr’s proof of concept thingie
[4] Their paper?
[5] ditto”

“This proposal proposes...”

All I know is that I know nothing.

Through no fault of my own I lost Mini 199, a time travel variant. I, as mafia, had wondered before the game whether it made any sense to kill myself night 1, so that I’d be resurrected and thought innocent. But doing the math and considering a SK probably existed, I decided it would most likely fail. Ironically, a serial killer hit me Night 1, and neither they nor my partner left solitary could defeat the town. This was my first time being targeted Night 1; I'm not sure whether I should be insulted or flattered.

wash. u. pride.


it’s in st. louis dammit.

In retrospect, I should have wagered one of 2 packages, one of which contained my new iPod, for 2 bottles of limeade in RPS.

Schrödinger’s cat is <blink>not</blink> alive.

Cat, too stubborn for her own good, refuses to use AIM. This, despite the fact that some of us would like to know if she's in without having to trek over to her room. Really. How hard is it to put up away messages? She doesn't even need to actually chat with anyone. Just a simple "I am currently away from my computer". How hard is that? Seriously.

She'll "think about it" if 500 people petition her. I figure she'll give in long before that. Either way, I give it a month at most.

Cat Karayan Will Use aim If 500 People Join This Group

[Okay fine facebook wins blech.]

Thai restaurants are required to have a neon outline of Thailand in a window.

Nobody doesn’t live here anymore.

Moving Day. No Sludgefest ’05, yet somehow that’s thematic.

So I guess the summer’s over.

“This is the dawning of the rest of our lives...”

I was thinking about going to AU until I realized that move-in day would be “Let’s drive down River Road.”

“Are these the Great Plains?”
“No. These are just the Good Plains; the Great Plains don’t begin until the Mississippi. The settlers crossed it and were like, ‘These are some Great Plains!’”
Yeah, these are more like the Mediocre Plains. Or the Seen Better Plains. Or the If I Really Have To Plains. Or the Regret It in the Morning Plains.

Someone tell the metaphor for “earsight” so it can stop bothering me. In other words:

Eye : Eagle :: Ear : __?__

9/17: Constitution Day.
[Endcap 3]

Sorry this can't be funnier, but I can't make those jokes.

Red -> Purple
Black -> Grey
White -> Orange

Favorite color defaults to blue. In my case, I am pleased by the past year's neoarrival of orange. Though I can neither fully explain nor deny the lost childhood attraction of red, found in such dropped relics as baseball fandom, token selection in Clue, and preferred editing hue. The color requires further study, I suppose.

Singled in this week’s SI with a shared attribution. My overwhelming best entry {New ombudsman: Simon Cowell.}, which aside from being clever was original, was completely overlooked.

[Back from Indiana, still in sublet for another]

Roadtrip. Should be fun.

1875678165
1431234212231
5353535354545454565
5353535354545454567

Pari passu seems like an unnecessary phrase for English to borrow from Latin, until one realizes that there isn’t any nonawkward equivalent. And it’s in the ablative. I <heart> the ablative.

What do “From Russia with Love” and “Empire Records” have in common?
[Endcap 2]

Mystery--; Sci-fi/fantasy++;
So satisfying.

If the flat of the fork touches the cake with more pressure than the sides or tines, then you are doing something horribly wrong.
So wrong that I will need to excuse myself to go learn some Italian.

Tigris El'phantidae
Two tokens of trav'ling
{New York, San Diego,
LA, Saint Lou'}

Bear thanks; wish my nineteenth
Anniversational
Day were sensational.
(ie: With you.)

It's not every day that I don't turn 19.

You know the person making a loud noise behind you every time you swing when playing minigolf? That’s one of my evil minions.

(Weapon of choice: lanyard)

The perfected Subway sandwich
Italian bread
Pepperoni
Chicken Breast
Shredded Cheese
Tomatoes
Olive Oil
Oregano
Parmesan Cheese

[Results possibly reported prematurely. Further testing will need to be conducted regarding a splash of vinegar.]

You have to spend money on properties to make money in Monopoly. That's the only lesson in life Mom ever taught me. <pause> Except don't skimp on eye makeup remover.

Even if I made a movie about time-traveling cannibals, it would not achieve its purpose. Rather, the movie would have to be not made by me.

[They can't all be noncryptic.]

Saw Donnie Darko- twice. Incredible foreshadowing ties the film up so confusingly neatly, more so than “Twelve Monkeys”. Still not sure I completely understand it, but all the more enjoyable. And, school spirit requires my cheering a murderous bunny of death.

Dead-Man-in-the-Middle-of-the-Road Productions!

Dumbledore might not be a house-elf. Read HP6, so spoil me rotten.

Southwest offers $200 credits to be bumped from a 1-stop overcrowded delayed flight to a nonstop one that would get in 1:45 later. Didn’t work this time, but there’s definitely a strategy here.

Dentist/eye doctor done, so now the more celebratory parts of the trip. No idea what form it will be taking, really. Call etc. if in town.

[And the usual birthday wishes from don't-like-the-cable-people. Might be a little hard to contact me, but should be somehow possible.]

Maryland for, among other things, my birthday. Call/IM if in town.

My First Endcap

Halved in this week’s SI: shared a partial attribution for a similar entry. {Howard Dean: “We are ahead. We are near ahead. We drew. How are we down? We won! We are now hardened! Do we need a new war, or Enron honored, or Roe-Wade deadened? No, no, and no! We head on! NH! And OH. And DE. And OR and WA. And NE, and ND! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”}

Though the funniest piece of journalism would have to be the headline “U.S. Army to Leave 13 Bases in Germany”.

I so just did one of those things that you clearly aren't thinking at the time, and only when you realize the severity of your errors do you realize the severity of your errors.

“My parents never let me see “Jesus Christ Superstar”.”
He dies at the end.

“What if they made hair color keyed to one’s emotions?”
“What color would confused be?”
Blonde.

Hey- how does Auld Lang Syne go?
Um? Do you mean the lyrics or the melody?
The melody.
Um? ba baaa ba ba/ba baaa ba ba...
Okay, thanks. <click>

Lime Shrimp Ramen not only would be better without the Shrimp, but without the Ramen. The artificial flavoring is that good.

Thematically, Minute Maid Limeade was on sale at Schnucks: $3/gallon.

What’s the difference between a duck?
( ) The left leg is identical.
( ) It has one leg alike.
( ) One leg is similar.
( ) One leg's twice the same.
( ) One of its legs are both the same.
( ) Cantaloupe

(Eider one will do.)

Things I hate about Cingular:
1) My online account, unable to be accessed.
2) The itemized bill for last month that does not seem to exist in any form.
3) The $106.93 they are charging me despite (1) and (2).

One has no excuse for not knowing what an Internet chat acronym which appears in the OED stands for, imho.

“Naked Pictures of Famous People” had some very clever premises, but suffers from seeming to be poorly edited. The worst essays are at the beginning of the book. The humor of each essay seems diluted, resulting in most of the wit being sapped, with an inconsistent tone ruining most of the satiric effect. It’s no “America”, and I miss Daily Show.

CUSTOMERS
INNOVATION
INTEGRITY
TEAMWORK
ACCOUNTABILITY
EACH AND EVERY ASSOCIATE WEARING PANTS

Destination vs. journey: sometimes there may be no plane to sleep on.

Jesus died for all of our sins- but that’s a lot of Jesus to be divided up. Meaning that each individual will be left with a small fraction of Jesus. And with new people being born constantly, that fraction will be decreasing. Slaughtering people would free up some Jesus to be reapportioned among the survivors; but murder, being a sin, will increase the amount of sin to be Jesusified. And then the sins that the slaughtered people won’t be doing on account of being dead must be subtracted. The math gets messy.

So I think this Holy Spirit thing has to be a fudge factor, some hypothesized dark matter to make things zero out. And that’s a sloppy way for sins to be accounted for.

Unlawful to Copy.

The problem with Outburst is that most of the answers are wrong.
For example, for "Ten things found in a pond":
Pond scum should an answer.
*Water* should be an answer.
Amoeba should not.

Does every city have a bad part of town?
“Pretty much. Well, except the Vatican.”
Ah yes, the slums of Vatican City.

Of the languages you might take, what are they?

I’d go right from French to German.
That’s what Paris did in WW2.

It asked for a communicable disease of the 80s...
You put cancer, right?
<wince> I put cancer.

What’s my password?
Um? Something47?
<shocked> How’d you know that?
Um?
Oh. Right.
Wait- please tell me that isn’t it.
No! I mean, it’s not S-O-M...

And from the front page of the Washington Post:
Don’t like the cable people.

Far too many undeservedly rejecteds for this week's SI to fit in this Away Message.

We would like to remind our Republican travelers that they may bypass the security checkpoint by showing proof of party affiliation.

Passengers in exit rows may be called upon to assist the crew in certain non-emergency situations. Federal law requires these passengers to be at least 18 years of age, but no older than 25. And female.

Attention, travelers: there is a sale on lingerie and skillets at gate 34.

Domestic travelers, we have some gate changes to announce. Please report to gate x^3 - 2x^2 - 5x + 53 mod 32, where x is your original gate. International passengers, please use mod 31.

For those passengers who have not yet reached Chapter 22, Hermione kisses Ron in front of Harry.

I once made an announcement that Brad Pitt heard.

“Who am I?”
“Crazy?”
“I said who, not what. Nice string of letters there after my name.”

“Nothing screams out ‘I am a slacker’ than wearing flipflops to class.”

“You can’t have an undog or an uncat, but you can have an uncola.”

“You don’t just learn linguistics in linguistics class; you also learn parenting.”

“Syntax is very touchy-feely; semantics is very violent.”

“If you want to have a successful marriage, don’t go to 7-11.”

“They won’t be playing the Canadian national anthem at the Linguistics Olympics anytime soon.”

“No one wants me to cancel class today? That takes all the fun out of saying no.”

“There are no weekends in linguistics.”

Pottermania.

(The remixed music is almost more clever than the concept. Listening to it is an excuse to keep watching the later movements for the differences.)

Let there be a stack of N coins, one of which is counterfeit. The N-1 real coins all weigh the same, but the counterfeit one is either heavier or lighter than the rest. Given a balance, find the counterfeit coin in three weighings and solve for N.

What’s in a name?

“The first recorded urban myth involved a choking Doberman in a Brooklyn closet in 1973.”

The Mall is a tourist attraction in DC.
It shouldn’t be in St. Louis.

If it's Friday, it must be Oh-let's-have-a-sludgy-kitchen-sink Day.

Will be looking for fun and meals that don't involve proximity to my kitchen this weekend. IM/e-mail/call if you can aid with either.

<fearless>

Experiencing deja vu twice about something that never really happened in the first place.

Not that that would be an excuse:
“My parents just died.”
lol Funny coincidence.

My Away Messages, totaling 165 pages (plus another 16 pages of yet unused esoteria) have managed to break Word’s spellchecker. Apparently there is a limit to the number of red squiggly lines that can be generated, and there are enough proper words and other text not listed in the dictionary to trigger the cutoff. Meaning that henceforth there might be a few more typographical errors within my Away Messages. As always, feel free to IM an edit, but now I have an excuse.

"The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners."

“...It's cold / It feels like Independence Day / And I can't break away...”

Suffering summer, season of irony.

“...There's got to be an opening / Somewhere here...”

War of the Worlds, described as “simultaneously Spielburg’s best and worst movie”, I found suffered from thematic deficiency, containing only the too simple “survive”. Other ideas were never fully developed and were chaotically contradictory to one another; I was particularly disappointed that the “heroic” rejection of xenia/regression to barbarism was lost. The ending felt especially anticlimactic

I would have liked to have seen it remade as a TV miniseries, perhaps narrated through news broadcasts, to update the this-could-really-happen theme which made the radio version so powerful.

Tripled in this week’s SI: 2 HMs and a win! From a letter/word ratio standpoint, I was disappointed that my earnosethroater: Hellenophobe's otorhinolaryngologist was edited. Considering that Dane-rot was improved in editing, I really shouldn’t complain.

I did have a bad pun on vernalism to answer a recent contest’s “Le Sacre du Printemps, but not the Sack of Rome.”. There was a much better but horrendously obscure pun on vaernal I didn’t even try to submit.

Other rejecteds:
beanrate: .2 cows.

bourneagain: Someone who is filled with wonder by another insipid sequel to another Hollywood action flick.

arenal: Of, like, or characteristic of holding it after a game because the lines at a stadium restrooms are way too long.

How are you spending your Fourth of July weekend?

(a) Vacationing with friends in the mountains.
(b) Going to a baseball game on a glorious summer day.
(c) Driving to Kansas City for the fun of it.
(d) Cleaning sludge off the kitchen floor.

If you answered (a-c), congratulations: You're not Danny.

[Call/IM; I'm going to be desperate to be doing *anything* once maintenance shows up.]

Melodic cacophony.
Somehow Media Center managed to replicatably glitch itself so that two playlists play simultaneously. It’s not a bug; it’s a feature.

WWLD?

The sister fanclab to “Danny Is Cool” has a motto.
(And a meeting place: next to my former room, present and future.)

Won the Texas Holdem themed game (Mini 188) of online mafia as A8- Dead Man's Hand. I really wanted to claim to be a "superdeputy", with the ability to gain the abilities of a killed hand, but when 5+ aces showed up in other claimed hands (accurately, as it ironically turned out!) I instead claimed to be 99- Barbara Feldon. Though by that point the game was all but over, after which my actual role of Mafia Godfather was revealed.

While the game was fun, albeit with some balance issues, it didn't *feel* like a mafia game. Day 1 was a competition to figure out the rules; Day 2, to figure out the setup; Day 3, a race. The informed minority vs. uninformed majority theme never really felt prominent.

Hit every roller coaster at 6 Flags, but the best ride was easily Xcalibur. I need to ride it on a cloudier day or at twilight, so that the sun does not force me to close my eyes to the unrestrainedly shifting horizon.

The rest, best to worst:

Batman- Excellent all-around.
Ninja- Very nice spirals.
Mr. Freeze- Short but thematically intense.
Screamin’ Eagle- Nothing too memorable, but some good drops.
The Boss- Too woodenly rickety.
River King Mine Train- Too tame, especially having the misfortune of being ridden following Batman.

No SI mentions this week; my best was probably a meta-entry. (102nd use for an AOL disk: Installing AOL.) Two fellow Losers also had overlooked entires I thought funny:

“102nd thing to do when bored: Challenge yourself to a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors".”
Actually, I know someone who’s done this. (In fairness, they are ambidextrous.)

“102nd thing to do to get through another lonely Saturday night: Sit at your computer and keep hittingthe refresh button until the new SI results pop up on-line.”
Actually, I’ve done this.

And for that matter, I’ve installed AOL from an AOL disk.

People with 7-letter last names are naturally superior.

I neither excessively liked nor excessively hated Napoleon Dynamite, which I finally got around to seeing. It had practically no plot or theme, and the humor felt amateurish. Yet it had amazing intereactions between extremely strongly described characters. Despite the implausible quirks, the film had a near perfect suspense of disbelief from the characters’ consistency. And Pedro totally stole the show.

Perhaps more surprising, the liger actually exists.

“So I had a thought while watching Kill Bill 2 last night. […] Now, this is deep: Why do you never see Clark Kent and Superman at the same time?”
Um, have you seen any of the movies? ‘Cause I don’t want to give anything away… but, see, they’re the same person.

Almost as silly as Superman's identity being debated in Linguistics was contrasting distribution randomly arising in conversation that night at 2:15 AM.

“If you understand this, you will understand phonology: Superman and Clark Kent are allophones in complementary distribution. If you’re a duck, or a goat, it’s a very difficult concept.”

If anyone wants to visit me this week, start by tying a long piece of string around the Bunny. Hold onto the other end, and start walking.

If arriving by car, same thing, only start by tying the string to the clock tower.

No SI mentions this week; understandably so given how unprintable *I* was deeming my funniest entry. Which as I submitted I realized was a sign of how tasteless college has made me; a year ago I would have probably not sent it, whereas now I don't even add a bracketed apology. At least losernet appreciated it.

A: "Le Sacre du Printemps" but not "The Sack of Rome"
Q: What is an appropriate euphemism for the Pope's genitalia?

It would be wonderful if all zealotry could be addressed with the elegant simplicity of eBay.

“Q: THIS SELLER AND ALL BIDDERS WILL BURN IN HELL FOR PARTAKING IN THIS UNHOLY AUCTION! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS BLASPHEMY! ALL PRAISE ALLAH!!
A: Dude - you recently purchased a Sea Monkey doll using BuyItNow. The only thing that you should be praising are your parents for letting you live in their basement.”

[There’s certainly enough bizarre eBay listings.]

Over this past forgotten weekend I singled in the SI with what I considered my funniest submission, for a change. (Wag the Dogma: A group of apostles spin some messianic nonsense to distract the public from the Pilate-Magdalene affair.) A funny week all-around:

“It's a Wonderful Life Is Beautiful: A man sees how depressing a Nazi concentration camp would have been without him.

The Lion in Winterminator 2: Eleanor of Aquitaine can't be bargained with. She can't be reasoned with. She doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop. Until you are dead.”

A toroidal inductor apparently is a thick washer-sized object with copper wire coiled about that can be found on graphics cards. It apparently should not be detached rattling around the fan. Between that discovery, a misplaced cell phone, and the usually miraculous convergence of technology, I found myself utterly primitivized. No telephone, no computer, no television, no CD player, no radio.

It was incredibly boring.

I'd like to think that John Ronald Reuel would have chuckled.

Danny’s Rule of Cooking:
Pepperoni is a good thing to have around.

“Something’s coming over me...”

I don’t understand the feelings I have as I read these secrets: Morbid, fascinated, artistically appreciative, half-amused, horrified, disbelieving, jarring, raw.

I don’t wonder what I would send. I wonder whether I would send it.

Home's a great place to visit, but I'm not sure I'd want to live there.

The semester’s SI sabbatical was broken by a badly worded and late entry that the Empress allowed to be amended. The result was a coincidental single on the day I was able to break the SI social sabbatical to attend my second LoserOlympics.

Fencing: Bronze
Improv: Silver
Mechanical Fish Racing: Silver
Completathon: Bronze

(No cupstacking this year, regretfully.)

Whitman’s final LinDanny bonding.

‘Thus the theme is established that had she missed the train or not, regardless of the sequence of events that proceeded, in the end it does not matter.’ Most awkward sentence ever.
Second most-awkward.

“The work-study questionnaire is like the roommate survey: no matter how you fill it out, you’ll get something.”
Actually, if you fill out your roommate survey obnoxiously enough you’ll get a single.
“Really?”
No!

That’s your bag. I know because from across the claim I can tell it’s the most badly packed bag I’ve ever seen.

When the Russians don’t have vodka, they use salad dressing.

freerabbispeechs.com

This is the best parallel parking I’ve ever done.
<thump>
Still is.

I can't put down anything. Oh wait, I can put down isotope. Only *not*.

Wazoo is so a word [and not a word meaning *that*]. I'm not going to bother to argue apriline [clearly being an uncapitalized word meaning of, like, or characteristic of April]. Having broken 300 in my first real Scrabble game, I really can’t growl.

Was that what urbandictionary said?
No. dictionary.

Maryland until Tuesday because high school was survived.
(If you’re reading this than I probably can’t be reached by IM; use cell or e-mail instead.)

Newbie Mafia 111, with me a vanilla, began with my identifying a mafia member in my first post based on something said in their first post. I followed up this incredible accomplishment by voting to lynch the doctor, calling for the cop to be needlessly exposed, being voted by the surviving innocent vote on the final day, and having my final instinct being proven wrong after it was moot anyhow. Mafia win, I lose. While the mafia did play very well, the game was lost by the lack of support the rest of the town contributed, especially from the full complement of power roles we had. Is it too much to ask that the doctor not be suicidal, to claim rather than be lynched? Or the cop to use his investigative power to investigate? Or for townspeople to mention who they think suspicious? Talk about incredible play...

Couldn’t decide between emptyger@ and dbravman@, so gmailing it up, x2. (googleplex, perhaps?)

[Wiki Tangent Foxtrot?]

Are there ethical guidelines to humor? A Foxtrot from a few weeks ago apparently inspired vandalism on Wikipedia. Does humor preclude accuracy in a democratic free press?

Of course, such philosophical musings in this week’s Czar’s chat were interrupted by a more critical Warthog Tango Foxtrot:
“Deep Throat has been unmasked, and the CNN Poll is "Do you think Paris Hilton is ready for marriage?"”

Speaking of prioritizing online information, the Orbit Gum girl does not yet have a wiki page. I should probably do something about that.

I would like to call my next witness: the deity Saturn.
I am right, Cat is wrong, and Wednesday is Saturday.
I'd like to think I had a chance of at least not losing that argument, even if I couldn't have won it.

For some reason suicidal bunnies seemed morbidly appropriate for Memorial Day at Wash U. [I expect in the morning there to be a great chance that I decide that this is very wrong.]

Taking the 9.

Mostly settled into my sublet; contact information updated. No landline, meaning I'll need to expand my cell phone plan. Mail should be forwarded, but *NO PACKAGES* over the summer. (If you need to send me something, call me before sending and I'll try to work it out.) Travel schedule mostly indeterminate, though I will be back in Maryland next weekend. Devastatingly delayed e-mail correspondences should finally be remembered this weekend. If anyone's found a beige laundry bag or any other scattered tidbit I've inadvertently left strewn across St. Louis, let me know.

“If more than 3 women live in a brothel, it is considered a whorehouse.”
This is not an urban legend.

Fargona forelorna.
Cat, California-bred,
Trying somehow to make
Summer plans (work):

Nonsequestrational
Joys seek out: Summertime
Need be no bummer; I’m
Missing you (smirk).

Apples to Apples is technically won by obtaining 5 green apple cards, but it is effectively won by obtaining the green apple card “Touchy-Feely” by submitting the red apple card “Helen Keller”.

Episode 3 neatly filled the hole between 2 and 4, but I’m not yet prepared to make a declaration on relative quality; 3 and 4 in particular feel difficult to compare. I do hope that my hypothesized “when all is said and done, the ep.s will run from worst to best” is fulfilled, if only to provide an artistic excuse for 1 and 2 being so bad. I do think that there’s a continuity mistake, as in Episode 6 Leia admitted she remembered her mother. For who, forgive me, because of either from the writing or the acting ability, I wasn’t feeling it from Natalie Portman, to the point where I need to apologize about it.

It's the day before break begins, it's the day before dorms close. Most people have already left. There's nothing left that you must do. So, when late evening gives way to night, what will you do? Sleep? Why, when there's so much you won't be able to do tomorrow:

* Chat about nothing in the halls and lounges of various dorms.
* Investigate the resilience of exit signs.
* Listen to all the bands starting with 'A' on your playlist.
* Search for those mysterious tunnels.
* Walk to Steak 'n Shake. And back.
* Movie.
* Cards.
* Burn through the remaining alcohol and meal points.
* Watch the sunrise.

Sleep???
You can sleep on the plane.
You're having fun tonight.

Somehow college is 1/4 finished, but there’s so much I need to do:

Spend ~60 points
Seek the tunnels
Hearts rematch
Movies
Music
Employment
Housing
Mail
Bear’s Den French Fries
See the final dawn
Taco Bell
Write the Orbit Gum girl
Biscuit
[and other things I’d never dreamed of]

(Maybe pack, perhaps.)

Still no keyboard, but I borrowed one to type this, so no need to appreciate how hard it was to put this one up. Used the extra time to make smores in JKL courtyard and to tour next year’s dorm.

[Keyboard has arrived. Yay HP!]

Still no keyboard, but it’s a reason to go outside and climb a tree.

Game 3 of online mafia was Les Miserables themed, in which for April Fool’s Day I pretended to claim Thenardier. Unfortunately, the other players ignored my actual claim of Valjean and used illogic and humorlessness to lynch me Day 1. What made it worse was that I happened to be Thenardier. Still, a wily Thernardiess managed to kill of the others and secure my first antitown victory.

“Watch the buggers dance / Watch 'em till they drop / Keep your wits about you / And you stand on top!”

Still no keyboard, but it’s a reason to go outside and get some fresh air. Besides, I needed an excuse to play frisbee in my socks.

Still no keyboard, but a new one is en route. Appreciate how hard it was to put up this Away Message meanwhile.

Rape whistles come with 4 pages of instructions- and not merely just put your lips together and blow.

Still no keyboard, still appreciate how hard it was to put up this Away Message.

If you’re reading this you should be seeing the free final performance of Suspicious of Whistlers tonight at 8pm in the Gargoyle.

No keyboard. It best be appreciated how hard it was to put up this Away Message, much less finish my EComp paper. Moral of the story: Don’t drink limeade; if you do, don’t spill it. As for other events keeping me from necessary studying, who knew giving away free pizza could be so hard?

A funny thing happened on the way to Midnight Brunch. Though I’d rather have the source code for DREs open than Center Court.

First meeting as WUAT [link horrendously out-of-date] Secretary (having successfully recast the board position from “PR Director”). A promotion from Member-at-Large, which I was after I got myself retroactively elected about a half-hour before the term ended.

Don’t knock knocking it before you’ve tried it before you’ve tried it.

The acting in Clerks is as bad as the scriptwriting is good.

(And for the record, Return of the Jedi. Will explain sometime after 5/19.)

h2g2 had the potential to be awful and was not as bad as I was cynically expecting. My worries about Marvin were unfounded, and the tone was mostly kept, albeit with reduced cleverness. As an admitted Fenchurch shipper, I’ve got to admit that I could have done without the romantic overtones.

It’s just as well the Thursday show I would have tried to see had I known about it turned out the be sold out. Although I did so want to be wearing a bathrobe.

Tonight Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy opens.
However, tonight is also WILD.
However, tonight it’s forecast to rain. And I missed last semester’s WILD and turned out perfectly fine.
However, I doubt I could find any others who would be willing and able to do likewise.
<hint>

Venn Diagram Defense
Let A be the set of food made unkosher by normal kosher laws.
Let B be the set of food made unkosher by Passover laws.
Let x be pepperoni matzah pizza.
So although x is in A, it is not in B QED.

If Moses were alive, he would probably beat me with a stick, but pepperoni matzah pizza is too good.

Will autograph today’s Studlife [p.7] for an enchil… er… pesky Passover…

Prices fluctuated wildly last month as the effects of Taco Bell’s imminent departure were wreaking havoc upon the Mexican food market in the Washington University marketplace.

Danny is a freshman in Arts & Sciences and will miss his sweatshop-produced tomatoes. He can be reached via e-mail at dbravman@wustl[].

Finally got my cheese slicer, at Schnucks of all places. Apparently the technical term for that style is a “cheese plane”. No idea why Target won’t carry them.

Next year in Shanedling. For while I do love Umrath so dearly, its appliances atrociously suck.

[I promised the team they’d get a new cell phone if they decided where they’re going to college... And they decided where they’re going to college... So they’re getting a new cell phone...

Next year in St. Louis!]

Seder preparations. Will be tonight at 7pm in one of the Umrath study rooms.

[The Seder, not the preparations. <grumble> Having to prepare lamb stew in Ruby.]

If anyone has any good ideas for 1 1/2 lbs of lamb and ~12 people, let me know.
Or if anyone has a crockpot.
This is going to be interesting.

Maybe StudLife’s op-ed submissions actually are perfectly representative of mainstream journalism.

“If you were a nuclear power plant, what would your favorite food be?”
Microwave pizza

“What are you more afraid of, getting hit by an emu or a nuclear meltdown (a la Chernobyl)?”
I am more afraid of being hit by a nuclear meltdown

“Do you think a shift to nuclear energy would bring about a proliferation of Mr. Burns's?”
No, for grammatical reasons (possessive; asks about the proliferation of some object of Mr. Burns)

“On a scale from Bob Dole without the Viagra to being in a manatee-dugong sandwich (with pre-Viagra Bob Dole being the lowest), how nervous would you be about living near a nuclear reactor?”
Approximately eating a corndog with a free side salad

“True or false: The US should destroy all of its nuclear weapons. Explain why in between 12 and 13 words, or we will eat your children.”
True; because the US should also destroy every other country's nuclear weaponry

Suspicious of Whistlers
8pm tonight
Gargoyle
*free*

If you're reading this I expect you there.

[Thanks for the attendance! You guys are still awesome!]

“Cardinal Ratsinger dicet amat magna mater ecclesia, sed qui veritas est? Eram prognatus in Germania, ut eram Martin Luther. Validus templum est alius Reformation superstes per a sausages eating bastard?"
"Ego Cardinal Arinze et ego probatus is nuntius.”

Naturally the segment began with an ablative absolute: “With the Pope lain to rest...”

Yay Gumwrapper. [Sorry, Bark wasn’t punchy enough.]

schwamm be gone :(

Shandeling 12. Could have been much worse.

Cell phone working again. At least temporarily, no thanks to Cingular.

lalalalalalalaSCHWAMM

Feeling better, back in my dorm. Cell phone is effectively dead, so use my room phone (5-1392).

Thanks for all the care- you guys are awesome.

If anyone has one of those forehead thermometers, come to U102

Sleeping Beauty become a pumpkin. Time to tell a make-believe story about a showing of Into the Woods.

“We are leaving EARLY FRIDAY MORNING. I forget exactly what time, but we'll say it on Thursday. A[], we will take a chainsaw to your door to get you out of bed if we need to.”

Texas Chainsaw Aperture

<0>

If a girl is waiting for me outside Ursa's, I can hit Bear's Den in under 2 minutes.

1:58:57, to be exact, but I'm positive I can improve on that.

I offer without support that Rodriguez was likely frustrated by a text he was required to study in college, and this is an ironic attempt to have his audience empathize with him.

o TROGDOR o kaiomenoV

To begin, draw a sigma, for snake... er, drakwn, whatever. Next, we’ll draw a more different sigma.

“Trogdor was a man... I mean, he was a dragon-man... er, maybe he was just a dragon...”

<== You must be this tall to date C[]

The package is in the mailbox

“There’s no glossary?"
Yep. That’s what we just discovered this morning.
<professor enters>
“So it’s just as well I didn’t buy the book.”

“Someone wrote ‘Lectures are boring but at least Prof. G[] seems to be enjoying himself.’”

“This is like my personal belief in God, but I don’t believe the author sat down and was like, ‘I’m going to emphasize fs in this paragraph.’.”

“I wonder if the copyright logo is copyrighted. (c)(c)”

“What’s Brownesque about this?”
“Anger.”

It sounds like a euphemism, like for chatting: ‘My brother and I were shooting the cat...’

I had several opportunities to make several rather tasteless remarks about Terry Schiavo, but, probably for the best, didn’t.

Does anyone have brilliant April Fool’s ideas which don’t involve having the humor-impaired campus newspaper suffer thousands in damages?

If not, the usual...
A fireman carrying a screwdriver runs into an elementary school classroom and says, “Listen very carefully, children... This is not a drill.”

I will look back on 3/30/05 9am-3pm as one of the highlights of my life. I still don’t know how I did that.

When pre-frosh are visiting, which headlines are from the campus newspaper, which from the underground parody?

Bon Appetit to begin charging dorm entry fee
Israel-Palestine conflict resolved entirely within Student Life forum section
“Kick the kosher cart” campaign causes campus controversy
Prof screens graphic porn films to provoke conversation
Student defecates in RA’s dorm room
Student Life stolen from newsstands

[2 of the real ones formed part of a trifecta on fark.com]

Saw Goodbye Lenin, which besides fascinatingly turning the fall of Communism into comedy, manages to simultaneously transform the perpetrated lie into an allegory for Communism itself. Aside from a craving for pickles, it promotes a particularly poignancy. It is more remarkable for accomplishing comedy by being intelligent.

I probably could have done better at the single-elimination chess event in the Residential College Olympics had I realized when my 10:30 match began before 11:15.

“I was dying in your arms tonight...”

This Easter thing is actually kind of cool. My egg is so awesome. It’s *plaid*. It makes cool patterns when spun. It’s so pretty I don’t want to eat it.

So I don't have to keep carrying it around, can I just leave my egg in your refrigerator?
"Wait, your refrigerator has an egg slot?"
"Of course! Don't all refrigerators have egg slots?"
"Mine doesn't have an egg slot."
Mine doesn't either.
"Wait, you don't have egg slots? I don't know if I can talk to you two any more!"
I think I need to tell you something: see, girls have egg slots, guys don't.

Still not sure what the third game in Tripoley is.

“From the halls of Montezuma...”

A Plutonic relationship is one without romantic intimacy: to love someone only for their money.

Half a box of Samoas is better than none.

“To what do you attribute the greatest cause of global warming?”
Cows.

At 1:20 in the morning, I am “somewhat informed about global warming”, “hell yes concerned about it [...] but the Kyoto protocol won't do a damn thing”, feel that US efforts rate a 3 “compared to other nations' efforts at combating global warming” where “US” is not well-defined, and “don’t really give a fuck about current data that supports the argument that excessive fuel use is contributing to climate change”. [Sorry, but I am being given a survey at 1:20AM.]

[This Away Message will remain incomplete until I decide how much material from Monday I should commit to a non-Monday Away Message. In the meantime, I apologize. And this week might be one of extreme apathy.]

Liked Romeo + Juliet because I like such transformations, especially exploring the contrast between the modern setting and unupdated dialogue. Unfortunately the title characters lacked the acting ability present in the similar version of Hamlet. At least it fulfilled the rule of seeming like the title character ought to have been Mercutio.

All those undone Greek verb sheets were good for something after all: I’m not sure I would have been able to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas otherwise.

Nobody does work on Friday evenings. But that's because Nobody can get into the library then. <grumble>

You Make Wash U
SCHWAMM!!!

Erin go bragh. The relevance of this act will be elaborated upon Wednesday... which was yesterday, so I hope you were paying attention, since I’m not repeating it until next year. In the meantime, the word relinquishmentificationality should be used more often.

Celebrate. The relevance of this act will be elaborated upon Wednesday. Which happens to be today. So:

Today is the null holiday I created, celebrating to preserve what little festive momentum there is from Pi Day and the Ides of March through until St. Patrick’s Day. I’m still considering ideas for such details as traditions, rituals, and a decent name.

Really, this week needs all the help it can get in preserving festive momentum.

[Possible reasons to celebrate might include a love for the American justice system.]

"And so it is. For this time I will leave you:
To-morrow, if you please to speak with me,
I will come home to you; or, if you will,
Come home to me, and I will wait for you."

Beware the Ides. The relevance of this act will be elaborated upon Wednesday. In the meantime, if anyone wants to read Julius Caesar in a stairwell, wake me up.

The Annual Biggs Lectures in the Classics would have been nicer had it been more Classics and less Philosophy. Though we did make the discovery that Europeans are unable to celebrate Pi Day, on account of April having only 31 days, and there being no 14th month.

“If you leave children to themselves, and not let them get corrupted by adults, they’ll become philosophers.”

Act irrationally a little before 2 o’clock. The relevance of this act will be elaborated upon on Wednesday.

I don’t suppose anyone has a clue where a binder (black, 3”) approximately might have wound up? Not urgent, yet would be nice to have back.

[Since I seem to be in a particularly cryptic mood, something baked to whoever gets the reference to the first in the second. To whoever spots the second I’ll actually deliver.]

[Discovered: was left it in my last class before Spring Break.]

Spring Break was oodles of fun, yet somehow I have a backlog of work from before and during which I never really got around to. Was either too afk or else too at the mercy of the cable people, so I have a comparable backlog of Away Messages.

Game 2 of online mafia (Newbie 85) ended disastrously. As the cop, I (1) cast the deciding vote to lynch the doctor day 1, (2) had my investigative target killed by the mafia night 1, and (3) wound up getting lynched day 2 to end the game. Moreover, at the end I suspected 2 innocents, each of who suspected each other as well as me, leaving the mafia freest from suspicion. At least I got a cookie for participation.

Missouri to California to Pennsylvania to Maryland to Missouri. With a couple stops in Arizona somewhere in the middle. For $216.60.

I need a vacation after this week. And after venturing into Koenig. (Or maybe Liggett. Whichever isn’t the one I’m now definitely not going to go into.)

"I don't want to know about the things I don't know about."
I know whether this is or isn't a quote of Rumsfeld's.

Will autograph today’s Studlife [p.7] for candy. (Ironically, it was originally intended for WUnderground.)

So, you know how $1,638 worth of stuff is missing from Millbrook Market? Well, it was me. Yeah. Sorry about that...

Danny is a freshman in Arts & Sciences and has a huge crush on the Orbit Gum girl. He can be reached via e-mail at dbravman@wustl[].

What are the happiest words to hear on a Monday?
“EComp’s canceled.”
What are the next happiest word to hear on a Monday?
“Analysis paper delayed until after Spring Break.”

If I turn up dead, half the freshman class will have had a motive to kill me. Perhaps I’ve been studying how to irritate people too well.

Since it’s Monday, let me collect some tasteless quotes that I’d been saving.

“What’s the attraction for girls kissing?”
See, my theory is that guys like slutty girls. But we’re also possessive, so we don't like seeing girls act slutty with other guys. But there’s no problem if the girl’s with another girl.
“Then how come I don’t like guys kissing?”
Well, it must be because you're not possessive.
No. Hm.
Nevermind then.

"What device, invented in 1869, was originally used to treat hysteria?"
I didn't know you could do that with a sheep!

“I don’t date whores.”
You’d make a very bad guy.

Dear Mr. or Ms. 382388,
I was just wondering whether you had any plans for who you’d be rooming with next year. Oh you do? NOT ANYMORE!

3228/4357, which I think good considering the lowest freshman lottery number is ~2800. I’ve begun evaluating upperclassmen dorms, with my, having become too exasperated with the washing, drying, and change machines, ironically going to Mudd to get clean clothes.

“try {
            quiz();
} catch(DontKnowWhatRaceConditionIsException dkwrcie) {
            wait(12:52);
            instructor.announce(definition);
            problem2.doExampleFor5pts;
}”

Forget about perfect attendance. Did anyone skip only 1 class this week?

Waif, free from wavy hair
And fragile flair,
Let those outgrown lie prone: don’t bear
Escaped Medusan lair.

So, you know how $1,638 worth of stuff is missing from Millbrook Market? That was me. Yeah. Sorry about that.

[IM me to read the rest of “Confessions of a Candy Thief”, which due to some unfortunate logistics will not be published in the upcoming edition of WUnderground.]

Splintered by wintered sting,
Speechless dreams fling
Back harpy’s sharp keen: Let nothing
Befall the future spring.

While reading “Brown” I notice two girls on my left and two guys to my right.

As one guy is ready to concede that differences in the sexes exist, they postulate hypothetical explanations before confirming beer pong plans. One girl doesn’t get some of the stereotypes, scornfully dissecting picked out phrases for her preoccupied friend.

There is silence.

One guy has discovered the context for the quotes, and the other reasons he is pro-antidiscrimination. One girl observes that while it’s only a theory, it is on the Times front page, which other girl defends; both want to see the primary source, but instead talk about a test.

Both pairs are discussing the same article and only I realize it. It was too surreal to ruin by revealing.

Yesterday was a good Friday, for EComp was canceled.
Speaking of Good Friday, I’m giving up Christ for Lent.

"Now is the winter of our discontent...."/You're probably looking for the other side of this card. It's not too late to flip over!/Modified Avalanche: 1) Rock 2) Rock 3) Paper 4) Rock (if necessary)/James Abram Garfield was the 20th US President./o matrix/(T): Add (W) to your mana pool./For more information, AIM: EmpTyger and ask for a cantaloupe./+> N/My other cheat card is deliberately left blank./Below is an inside joke from Math 201 involving striped shirts./If this were for a Baernstein exam, it wouldn't be the file card which would be lined.../But does your mouth feel clean? FABULOUS!/3x5 card = 15 card/If LOST, return to ABC Wednesdays, 8/7 central./The word cantaloupe appears on this card for no apparent reason./Not valid in Quebec or Lichtenstein. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No purchase necessary.