“If you were a nuclear power plant, what would your favorite food be?”
Microwave pizza

“What are you more afraid of, getting hit by an emu or a nuclear meltdown (a la Chernobyl)?”
I am more afraid of being hit by a nuclear meltdown

“Do you think a shift to nuclear energy would bring about a proliferation of Mr. Burns's?”
No, for grammatical reasons (possessive; asks about the proliferation of some object of Mr. Burns)

“On a scale from Bob Dole without the Viagra to being in a manatee-dugong sandwich (with pre-Viagra Bob Dole being the lowest), how nervous would you be about living near a nuclear reactor?”
Approximately eating a corndog with a free side salad

“True or false: The US should destroy all of its nuclear weapons. Explain why in between 12 and 13 words, or we will eat your children.”
True; because the US should also destroy every other country's nuclear weaponry

Suspicious of Whistlers
8pm tonight
Gargoyle
*free*

If you're reading this I expect you there.

[Thanks for the attendance! You guys are still awesome!]

“Cardinal Ratsinger dicet amat magna mater ecclesia, sed qui veritas est? Eram prognatus in Germania, ut eram Martin Luther. Validus templum est alius Reformation superstes per a sausages eating bastard?"
"Ego Cardinal Arinze et ego probatus is nuntius.”

Naturally the segment began with an ablative absolute: “With the Pope lain to rest...”

Yay Gumwrapper. [Sorry, Bark wasn’t punchy enough.]

schwamm be gone :(

Shandeling 12. Could have been much worse.

Cell phone working again. At least temporarily, no thanks to Cingular.

lalalalalalalaSCHWAMM

Feeling better, back in my dorm. Cell phone is effectively dead, so use my room phone (5-1392).

Thanks for all the care- you guys are awesome.

If anyone has one of those forehead thermometers, come to U102

Sleeping Beauty become a pumpkin. Time to tell a make-believe story about a showing of Into the Woods.

“We are leaving EARLY FRIDAY MORNING. I forget exactly what time, but we'll say it on Thursday. A[], we will take a chainsaw to your door to get you out of bed if we need to.”

Texas Chainsaw Aperture

<0>

If a girl is waiting for me outside Ursa's, I can hit Bear's Den in under 2 minutes.

1:58:57, to be exact, but I'm positive I can improve on that.

I offer without support that Rodriguez was likely frustrated by a text he was required to study in college, and this is an ironic attempt to have his audience empathize with him.

o TROGDOR o kaiomenoV

To begin, draw a sigma, for snake... er, drakwn, whatever. Next, we’ll draw a more different sigma.

“Trogdor was a man... I mean, he was a dragon-man... er, maybe he was just a dragon...”

<== You must be this tall to date C[]

The package is in the mailbox

“There’s no glossary?"
Yep. That’s what we just discovered this morning.
<professor enters>
“So it’s just as well I didn’t buy the book.”

“Someone wrote ‘Lectures are boring but at least Prof. G[] seems to be enjoying himself.’”

“This is like my personal belief in God, but I don’t believe the author sat down and was like, ‘I’m going to emphasize fs in this paragraph.’.”

“I wonder if the copyright logo is copyrighted. (c)(c)”

“What’s Brownesque about this?”
“Anger.”

It sounds like a euphemism, like for chatting: ‘My brother and I were shooting the cat...’

I had several opportunities to make several rather tasteless remarks about Terry Schiavo, but, probably for the best, didn’t.

Does anyone have brilliant April Fool’s ideas which don’t involve having the humor-impaired campus newspaper suffer thousands in damages?

If not, the usual...
A fireman carrying a screwdriver runs into an elementary school classroom and says, “Listen very carefully, children... This is not a drill.”

I will look back on 3/30/05 9am-3pm as one of the highlights of my life. I still don’t know how I did that.

When pre-frosh are visiting, which headlines are from the campus newspaper, which from the underground parody?

Bon Appetit to begin charging dorm entry fee
Israel-Palestine conflict resolved entirely within Student Life forum section
“Kick the kosher cart” campaign causes campus controversy
Prof screens graphic porn films to provoke conversation
Student defecates in RA’s dorm room
Student Life stolen from newsstands

[2 of the real ones formed part of a trifecta on fark.com]

Saw Goodbye Lenin, which besides fascinatingly turning the fall of Communism into comedy, manages to simultaneously transform the perpetrated lie into an allegory for Communism itself. Aside from a craving for pickles, it promotes a particularly poignancy. It is more remarkable for accomplishing comedy by being intelligent.