“You have 3 12-hours clocks. One gains a minute every day, one loses a minute every day, and one doesn’t work. Which is most accurate?”

Only a matter of time.

Can I meta the question?
“Can you meta the question?”
Ooh please ooh please let me.
“<sigh>”
Taking the first derivative of the first 2 clocks’ accuracy with respect to time shows them to be equal. Therefore, since the question implies a single answer, it must be the third clock.

Only a matter of time.

I’m starting a number-of-days-without-walking-into-a-refrigerator count.

“Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written word, and if you disagree :( “

I’m not sure whose cleverness I more appreciate.

Switch.

“Do not think of bringing your parents to class. I warn you. That would be a mistake.”

I have to keep the lies I’m telling straight and the lies I’m not telling straight. When would I have time to be honest?

Sometimes you’ve just got to call an ex-best friend an egotistic whore.
(Still not about you.)

“You’re so vain…”

Life is full of drama; find the chorus and make it a comedy. Keep on dancing. Keep on laughing.

“Carry on, carry on dancing…”

Long-form : pizza :: short-form : half-eaten pizziola sandwich in a trash can

“That’s racist, and sexist, and 4-bit graphics.”

Wrong on so many levels.

It’s so funny how much none of it matters. It’s just, well, *funny*.

Since when did you become an optimist?
“I’m an optimist? That sucks. <pause> Actually, it’s not so bad.”

Free improv show tonight, 8pm, Brown 100. If you made it through the week, be there.

I've had better days and worse weeks.

Live your life like a bad interview.

“The problem with going to the Career Center for career advice is that you’re getting career advice from people whose career is working in the Career Center.”

Classics.

“PDFs are more secure. With a PDF I can’t just change your answers to lower your grade.”

Ambiguously vague.

“If you need to write more than 250 words, take out the prepositions.”
“Is that syntactically allowed?”
“This isn’t syntax.”

Cameras steal Lupe Fiasco’s soul.

Will wake for food.

If you have an offcampus mealplan, you should not be using points to eat breakfast.

“That’s right, when I put my foot down…”
It takes a while for it to hit the ground.

This is why I’m kept around.

“I’m not sure whether to start right now or to treasure the pristine collection.”
Choose what the 6 most memorable occasions of your life will be, and save them for them.
“The revolution and the first 5 purges.”
But what’s the 6th?
“Good! Although I was thinking along the lines of ‘Shame to use them all within 2 days.’.”