Conservation of Food-Energy-Leftovers
Food is neither created nor destroyed, but is converted into energy or leftovers.

Freedom is not being able to do whatever you want. Freedom is not doing whatever you want. Freedom is not whatever you want. Freedom is walking into Domino's and walking out with 2 medium cheese pizzas without paying anything.

If you walk around in broad daylight carrying a knife, you are sketchy.
If you walk around in broad daylight carrying a rolling pin, you are sketchy.
If you walk around in broad daylight carrying a knife and a rolling pin, you are a cook.

“We can dance if we want to / We can leave your friends behind...”

One is allowed to be dramatic if it’s amusing.

That was the type of thing *I* would do. I can give no better compliment than that.

Beef Lo Mein Party: it’s like a Lamb Stew Party, but with beef lo mein instead of lamb stew. If you're reading this and in town, stop by (6617 Wash Ave. Apt 2N) sometime tonight.

(Meat and Greet 2)

Adulthood is not realizing you are not a child. Adulthood is staring into your best friend’s eyes and realizing that they aren’t.

To be an adult one must be both confident and pessimistic.

Pessimism is not believing the glass is half-empty. Pessimism is believing that one day the glass will be empty.

Poculum vacuandum at 1 AM. (So much for intelligence.)

Confidence is not knowing which moves will win nor which moves will lose nor which moves will stalemate. Confidence is knowing what the other player will do. The goals do not change; rather, the positions change, and with them, the way other players will react. Each move bares a new board for a response. Some moves will not be responded to, some will have reaction forced, some can be made only without a response, some require reciprocal action.

To be confident one must be both intelligent and mature.

Maturity is not knowing that one is mature; maturity is knowing that one has been immature. Maturity is the moment of selfconsciousness, of emotional metaawareness. There is probably a correlation with awareness of culture, and of art, and of irony, and of others; or at least some of these. Any correspondence with age is probably coincidental.

Intelligence is knowing when to round down versus up.

The great thing about pizza is that it can be easily transformed into leftover pizza.

Calling not-shotgun.

“First piece of news: my family’s crazy.”
That’s not news.
<simultaneously>“That’s not news.”

Play the Pyramid
A colander.
Cheap Ramen.
Expensive Ramen.
Burned DVD.
A forwarded letter.
An elephant statuette.
Packing peanuts.

[Second round: the judge would have also accepted “You’re in St. Louis?!” for the category “People I’ve run into this week”.]

There’s something almost exotic about Cars, like it a foreign film produced in the country of red states. I found it, despite fitting into none of my interests, nevertheless enjoyable.

After I’m done with my haircut I kill time waiting for the shuttle by looking at new phones at the Sprint store because I’m due for an upgrade. Then I walk to the far shuttle stop, because I feel like hitting the Galleria. As I’m walking by Schnucks I remember the time that I ran into Professor L[] there, and am thinking how hilarious it would be if I again ran into someone. So I turn around- and see K[]! Who gives me a ride to the Galleria. So I get there, and am walking around, and I’m thinking wouldn’t it be hilarious if I again ran into someone. So I turn around- and see Jessica Alba.
You’re lying.
If I had that new phone you’d be looking at her in a brown dress right now.

And then I found my and-then-I-found-my-$10 line.

“Eats, Shoots & Leaves” is an amusing travelogue of punctuation, once you get past the initial apostrophic screed.

I tried to use screedy in conversation, and I got scrabbled.

“There's a lady who's sure...”
Life is a slinky descending an escalator.
“‘Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings...”
The secret to life is to descend a slinky down an escalator.
“Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven...”
I want to descend a slinky down an escalator.
“...my spirit is crying...”
A slinky cannot perpetually descend an escalator.
“...really makes me wonder...”
An escalator cannot perpetually ascend a slinky.
“And a new day will dawn for those who stand long...”
I want an escalator to ascend a slinky.
“And it makes me wonder...”
Life is an escalator ascending a slinky.
“There walks a lady we all know...”
The secret to life is to ascend a slinky down an escalator.
“...To be a rock and not to roll...”

The secret to life is to find something you like doing and to get people to pay you to do it.

Go-to guy for sneaking subversive articles into the school newspaper under the guise of advising incoming freshman.

“Our paper is stupid.”
No, it’s beyond that; it’s retarded little brother. Like, it’s dumb, but you love it anyway.

The only show I’ve watched from the beginning to the end... is Joe Millionaire?
That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

I do not do creativity that well at 1 AM.

I’m like a neuron. My axon potential either fires or it doesn’t.