I would provide a phenomenal rant to anyone interested in listening to me today, or tomorrow, or Saturday, or next Tuesday, or at this rate any time during the month of February; except that ironically, on top of everything else, my throat is dead.

STL: where the roads get salted when the temperature is 70F.

“So, is Brantley known for blatantly lying? I called him just before I called you and he said he would send them to me ‘shortly’.”
1) The obvious joke is that Brantley doesn't know the meaning of the word shortly.
2) I got mine in before Brantley?!
3) Brantley is known for blatantly being tardy.

I’m not impugning your honor, merely displaying my own wit.

“He always stood up for what was right, even if it was wrong.”
“He was a crotchety young guy.”

Cold.

Total War: School’s Out Forever

B[] hasn’t turned his in yet. Therefore mine technically isn’t late yet.

There Will Be Blood isn’t as bad as a western should be, since overanalytically interpreting too obvious symbolism as allegory subverts it into another genre: a modern political epic. The Church of the Third Relevalation; H.W.; Daniel Day Lewis’s mustache; oil; the declarative title. It almost seems too easy an explanation.

Mourning becomes electronic.

“S[] B[] can't believe that Heath Ledger is dead.”
“H[] W[] Heath ledger :(.”
“C[] L[] C[] is sad that Heath Ledger died.”
“P[] O[] Heath Ledger is dead!”
“J[] G[] hopes people realize that the american dollar is almost worthless.”

Juno, even more than Knocked Up, takes what would be a dramatic situation and treats it comedically while maintaining a high level of seriousness and realism. The result is a consistent comedy, in which all major characters are gratuitiously human.

Curry favor.

Cloverfield, despite its genre, commits surprisingly absolutely to the fourth wall. It essentially becomes the opposite of Snakes on a Plane: while the latter is is hypercinematic, the former does nearly everything it can to deny being a film.

All by our onesies.

“Sausage is the finest form of pighood. A pig can’t realize that unless it’s a human being.”

5 types of pig in my refrigerator.

“One other thing- there are 2 different sets of silverware…”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.
“No- the thing is, use either for anything. I don’t keep kosher, it’s just my mother...”
It’s okay, I’m Jewish, I understand.

“So this philosophy class has Aristotle, Locke, Machiavelli…”
That reminds me. I need to call B[] back.

Ultimately, everything has aesthetic value.

“Let me know if you have any luck solving the cluster problem.”
I suspect it may require a military solution.
“Of course! Clusters... or clusterbombs!”

Emergency maintenance.

“And what does this family’s personal tragedy have to do with why I write?”

Pathologica 2

“I write because if I didn’t, I’d be branded a pathological liar.”

“Ready to graduate?”
Ask me in 4 months.
“What are you doing after?”
Ask me in 5 months.

“This is the Colbert Report…”

Satire takes many forms, but absence is not one of them. Just because nothing was mocking does not mean nothing needed to be mocked.

“…And here it is, your moment of zen…”

Overbooking.

Procrastination shouldn’t be rushed.

It gives you a +1 bonus against any disarm attack made against your pants.

It has a hook.

Incomplete Minesweeper Theorem
The chance of correctly guessing the solution in a game in which no further deduction is possible is directly related to the number of mines still unmarked.

“P[]’s more ‘How *dare* you discuss such a thing! Don't you realize how much L[]’s attempt *hurt* me? Do you want to *hurt* me like that?’. L[]’s more like ‘You don't seem to realize that it is in fact selfish. And I know you don't want to be selfish.’. And you're just ‘Please don't die.’. Which is probably the best argument, frankly.”
They have an oddly logical approach to it.

Ethos, logos, pathos: argued to death.

“Silly people assume I operate under logic.”
There’s something almost axiomatic to me, about not dying.

Not sure which is more significant: the first dream in which one speaks a foreign language, or the first dream in which one flees an erupting volcano.

“The seasons will pass- years may fly by, yet the weasel and ball relationship remains consistent. The weasel desires the ball, yet the ball is indifferent, maybe even a little bit distant. It flees. The weasel pursues. It is comedy and tragedy all rolled into one.”

Let’s amuse ourselves.

“Is this store some kind of joke?”
“No! We are a 100% absolutely legitimate serious Weasel Ball Super Store.”

The package is in the mailbox, twice.

I’m clearly too cryptic for my own good.

The converse to rightwingfacebook.org unfortunately does not exist.

I really really hope the Democrats don't screw this up again.
“I know. It will be hard to, but it's possible.”
I have faith in them. That statement works both ways.

“It's easier to run…”

It’s a new year.

It seems like the type of thing I should have gotten into in high school or even middle school, but it never happened.
“Above all, be ready to tell a good story.”

How did that happen.

“…Never moving forward so there'd never be a past…”

I am my own audience.

I think me clever. I amuse myself. My Away Messages are written for me.
Yet AIM is a medium for talking to others.
Furthermore, away messages implies that the narrator is absent.
So herein my Away Messages, others are hearing someone not there, talking to themself.

As I have for the past 6 years: This year I resolve to listen to myself.